Gabbagoolia: I Can Not Has Cheezburger

Never Apologize, Never Explain

So... I have neglected to write about last week, but every time I think about it I just get discouraged. I haven't done anything I shouldn't have done (no smoking, reasonably healthy eating, have not murdered anyone) but I have been... depressed? I know that what I am going through is physical, but I have been experiencing the withdrawal from nicotine as a deep sadness. I feel less like myself- there are all kinds of decisions that need to be made and somehow I have not felt up to making them. I need to either quit my gym OR make another appointment with my trainer; if I quit my gym I need to join another one, immediately. I badly want to quit Bally's (although I like my trainer, I don't think I can keep him) but I haven't felt up to the change. Where has all my gumption gone?

I am hoping it will pass quickly. I wore my last patch on Thursday and it's Sunday night- there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel, right? There just has to be.

So big love to all my Spark and online friends who have checked in with me- I am fine, just cranky as blazes and hiding my face until I feel a little better.

Thirteenth Week

Monday morning there were treats in the break room. Ordinarily I don't indulge, but there was flavored cream cheese, and my fruit was rotten again, so I had a bagel. Lunch was the last of the spicy rice & peas and I was not sorry to see them go.

I had to go food shopping after work, and unfortunately I was really hungry. I was so drawn to chips and dip and ice cream and chocolate! Not to mention the brightly colored wall of cartons of cigarettes! It was hard to resist it, but I mostly did. I bought myself a box of Carr's Whole Wheat Crackers, which I did not eat in one mouthful in the car, as a treat. By the time I got home I felt more tired than I've ever been after the gym. I'm thinking of it as crunches for the willpower muscle.

Dinner was turkeyloaf with gravy and mashed sweet potatoes. Again, I didn't enter my foods into Sparkpeople until Tuesday morning, so I exceeded my calories with a tiny serving of chocolate. But I battled!

Calories 2132, Carbs 287, Fat 67, Protein 99.

Tuesday was another intense workday. I went to the gym as usual, getting on the road at probably 7:45, and hit apocalyptic traffic. It was especially stressful when my idiot light beeped to tell me that I was low on gas. If there hadn't been traffic, I would definitely have made it to work, but after an hour of idling? I got off the next highway exit and found a gas station. Again, I was really hungry (my pre-gym breakfast of peanut butter crackers got burned off and then some, and my post-gym breakfast of yogurt was too messy to eat in the car) so I idled around the gas station market reading nutrition facts until I settled on a Rice Krispie Treat and a black coffee. And I managed to pass by the humongous butts display without drooling too much.

Tuesday stayed pretty rotten, as I'd forgotten to refill my on-hand supply of nicotine patches, and by 5:00 I wanted to quit my job, get a divorce and drive my car off a cliff while smoking a fat cigar. I did none of those things and made a cold tuna and vegetable salad for dinner.

Calories 2009, Carbs 236, Fat 76, Protein 96.

Wednesday was much, much better, thanks to remembering my nic patch. I had the leftover components of cold veg salad for lunch and what I think of as Middle East Feast for dinner. I made a recipe from Sparkpeople for low-fat hummus and it was really good. One of my least favorite foods is sesame tahini- it just tastes like cold sludgy death to me, and it is in every packaged hummus that exists. The low-fat recipe replaces tahini with fat-free Greek yogurt and I think it's an improvement. I bought vegetarian stuffed grape leaves, tabouleh, whole-wheat pita, and French sheep's milk feta to complete the meal and everything was delicious.

Calories 1640, Carbs 235, Fat 54, Protein 65.

Thursday morning I skipped the gym for the first time. I had a really funny fight with myself about it, too! I woke up to the alarm and didn't feel like going, so I reset the alarm for later. Then I was unable to fall asleep again because my mind was racing- if I didn't go Thursday, then I couldn't go Saturday, and I had plans on Monday morning so that wouldn't work, but I need to be able to compromise as part of my overall effort, and what if my trainer was checking up on my card scans, etc etc. So I got up and took a shower. In the shower, I convinced myself that it was important to be flexible, and that blindly following a routine didn't indicate my level of commitment, and that I really was tired and not just morning-cranky, and there were wardrobe issues that would be avoided by going before work on Friday, so I wrapped my hair in a towel and napped on the couch until my alarm went off again. I did miss the jolt of energy that I knew I would have had, but I made it through the day OK.

Lunch was leftover MidEastFeast and the remainder of the beets from Tuesday. Dinner was whole-wheat pasta, homemade fresh sauce and turkeyballs, with a giant salad on the side.

 

Calories 1896, Carbs 272, Fat 64, Protein 75.

Friday morning I got up and went to the gym as I'd promised myself I would. To explain a little bit about the work issues: we had important visitors from the previous Thursday to that Friday, arriving at 8 AM sharp, and expecting to see us all dressed in our best, which for me does not mean jeans and a hoodie with wet hair. But! Casual Friday is celebrated all through this great land! Therefore that is what I was wearing when I rolled in at 8:30. I always have wardrobe issues, based on the size and shape that I am, but now that my pants are all too big, they have gotten much worse, and this was what worried me more than anything else about the visit.

Lunch was the dregs of MidEastFeast, with some fruit, yogurt and crackers to make it more substantial. I had planned a special dinner of chicken saltimbocca for my sweetie, so I had a couple of cold-cut rollups in the late afternoon to tide me over. Dinner was seriously good- chicken cutlets pounded flat and wrapped around prosciutto, fresh mozzarella and sage leaves, browned and then braised in a pan sauce with stock and shallots. I made G's favorite pesto mashed potatoes and zucchini on the side. It was nice to eat together to celebrate the end of the visit and the beginning of the long weekend.

Calories 1706, Carbs 215, Fat 59, Protein 97.

Twelfth Week

Wednesday morning I got to the gym, which was lovely. Work was fine. Went out afterwards with a couple of friends, who obligingly told me how skinny I look. We went to the Border Cafe, which is Tex-Mex-Cajun, and although I had intended to get some kind of cheesy-guacamole burritochilada, the most appealing item on the menu was... grilled fish. It was really good, though! When I got home, G had gone to Whole Foods to 'get dishwasher detergent'- which really means he got the one $9 item I'd asked him to get, plus two different kinds of prepared beef, plus a family-size container of mac and cheese, plus two kinds of cookies. As a reward to myself for not going overboard when out to dinner, I had two Florentine cookies (my favorite in the whole world).

Calories 2010, Carbs 283, Fat 56, Protein 93.

Thursday was a really hard day- maybe the worst day I have had at this job, and definitely the worst I've felt since I've been watching my nutrition and not smoking. I had to leave my house at 7 to get to the Other Office, and although I'd packed some fruit, yogurt, cheese and leftover fish, I didn't have enough food to last me through the day. The fruit was yucky and I lost the cheese somewhere? Also, I had to stay until 7:30 at night, and by that time I was so hungry and stressed I was ready to hurt someone. I was in that low-blood-sugar haze where I didn't want any food from the vending machine, and I didn't want the pizza that had been ordered in, I wanted what I wanted right now goddamn it and give me a cigarette too.

When I finally got done with my day, I went straight to the Ninety Nine and ordered a burger and fries. I didn't want a drive-through burger, and I didn't want to eat in the car, and even though I didn't get home until 9:30, it was totally worth it. I relaxed with reasonable-quality food in front of the Sox game on a nice big TV and felt entirely better. And, I didn't smoke. I was sorely tempted to bum one from the IT help desk girl, but I didn't. Now that it's over, I can't help but think of it as a fucked-up victory- now I know that I can make it through a few hours of feeling unhappy and miserable. If that makes any sense.

Calories 1923, Carbs 204, Fat 80, Protein 93.

Friday morning I did the gym again- I didn't know what my workday would contain and I was actually scared that if I didn't work out, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I may have lost my mind at some point along this journey. It turns out that although my gym technically doesn't open until 6, if you arrive at 5:45 they will let you in. I cannot imagine ever wanting to know this information before this year.

Got in an abbreviated workout, then drove to work, showered, and went through the whole ordeal of fixing my hair. Was at my desk looking reasonably professional by 8. I am still having a hard time believing that I can do this. But I did. Fortunately, I got done with work at 5, so I could hit Idylwilde for some fresh vegetables on my way home.

I was craving tuna salad, so I made a big bowl of greens and veggies and topped it with a can of tuna + 2T light mayo. I am prejudiced against any food that is supposed to have a lot of fat in it that has been modified to have less fat in it, but it wasn't a bad texture, and tuna is pungent enough so that I couldn't taste the difference. It was very satisfying.

Calories 1367, Carbs 174, Fat 32, Protein 85. I didn't enter in the values for dinner until the next morning, and if I had done so, I would have eaten some cookies.

Eleventh Weekend

Friday morning, I packed yogurt, cereal and blueberries for breakfast and was stuck with Chickarina and pretzels for lunch. I am such a fiend for leftovers these days that I get disappointed when there aren't any. When I got home I had a couple of slices of ham and cheese because I had a late dinner planned with friends. I made whole-wheat pasta and added some portobellos and onions to the sauce, served with garlic-lemon spinach on the side.

Calories 1655, Carbs 249, Fat 39, Protein 86.

Saturday I went to the gym, and I had a decent workout, but it was a comedy of errors. I like my gym, and I like my trainer, but the desk staff there is not well organized. I had another run-in with the Brazilian girl- I'm wondering whether there is a language barrier there? I asked her to get out the body fat tester for me because I didn't want to go rummaging through the trainer's desk for it, and we had the following exchange:

Her: Do you know where it is?
Me: It's in the desk.
Her: (looks in the filing cabinet) It's not here.
Me: It's in the desk.
Her: (looks in the equipment locker) I don't see it.
Me: It's in the desk.
Her: (opens top drawer of desk, finds body fat tester) I don't know how to use this.
Me: Just hand it over. I know what to do.

Later, I was looking for a set of 12 pound hand weights- they are kept in a rack in the aerobics room, which is almost always locked. I asked at the desk and was told that the one person who kept a key had just left. "But you can look in the women's gym, there should be some in there." Nope. I finally found ONE set of 12-pounders hidden away in the corner by the squat machine. On a Saturday morning.

Post-gym breakfast was scrambled eggs with spinach and plenty of hot sauce, chicken sausage and toast. In the afternoon, I had some fruit, and for dinner we got takeout from our favorite neighborhood place, the Southeast Asian Restaurant. I got my usual, chicken pho and vegetarian summer rolls, which was a heaping plate of food for 600 calories.

Calories 1717, Carbs 208, Fat 60, Protein 89.

Sunday was a lazy day. I had leftover pho and summer rolls for breakfast, and a banana and yogurt for lunch. Dinner was amazing- I did another pork tenderloin, served with black beans and homemade mango salsa, with a spinach salad on the side. My plan was to serve the leftovers for dinner Monday night in taco form, but they might not make it that long. After dinner I had some string cheese and fruit (I wanted chocolate, but I opted into a Spark weekend challenge not to eat any empty calories).

Calories 1501 (should have had that chocolate!), Carbs 189, Fat 46, Protein 83.

Days 75 and 76

Wednesday I had some yogurt and honey for breakfast, and a banana, but all I could think about was my leftover taco mix sitting in the work fridge, calling to me. I ended up eating lunch at like 11:30, and it was really good. Pretzels and edamame for snack.

Dinner was awesome (I should just create a macro for 'dinner was awesome' because I type it a lot): I had a craving for gravy so I made meatloaf. Properly, it was turkey loaf, with shredded portabellos and sweet onions, in a gravy with more portabellos and leeks. I served it with mashed potatoes- I was a little worried that G would reject the potatoes, as I left the skins on and whipped them with fat-free Greek yogurt and frozen chopped basil, instead of butter and sour cream, but he absolutely loved them and told me not to make mashed potatoes any other way from now on. Considering that I used to butterfat them up and then bake them with sharp cheddar cheese on top, that is saying something!

After dinner I still had some calories left and felt itchy and snacky, so I had some dried apple rings.

Calories 1692, Carbs 255, Fat 38 (including gravy!), Protein 92.

Thursday morning I woke up from a funny dream. In my dreams, I seem always to be the same as I am when awake- in this case, married, on the Sparkdiet and trying to quit smoking. I dreamed that a superhot guy was checking me out and he was smoking ostentatiously- taking deep drags, french-inhaling and blowing smoke rings. I thought to myself in my dream that I shouldn't go talk to him because it would be bad for me. Whyyyyyy can't I cheat, even if it isn't real?

I had a peanut-butter sandwich and a glass of juice, because it was a gym morning. I had an appointment to meet with my trainer, and I actually got up in time to do my warmup/cardio first. I'd asked him to test my body fat percentage, because I know I've been doing just what I should and the scale is not moving, but I didn't realize that exercising first, and sweating, would banjanx the reading. When he measured me a month ago, my body fat percentage was around 34% and we set a goal that I would reduce it to 25%. That morning, after 20 minutes of cardio, it was 37%. No fucking way is that correct. I jumped on the scale and I'd lost half a pound of water (net, after drinking a liter on the elliptical), which would explain the wacky increase. So I'm going to have another trainer re-measure me on Saturday.

Morning snack was yogurt, Newman Flakes and blueberries, and a banana. Lunch was leftover turkeyloaf. Man, I love leftovers! Afternoon snack was some pretzels. By dinnertime, I'd already had 2/3 of my calorie allowance, so I made a big spinach salad with red bell pepper, broccoslaw, chickpeas and bacon, and topped it with a creamy Newman's dressing.

Calories 1721, Carbs 232, Fat 60, Protein 77, cigarettes 0.

Days 73 and 74

I was really hungry all morning on Monday. Some of that could be just wanting to eat instead of smoke, but my belly was growling. I drank lots of water and had two packets of oatmeal, two apples, and some yogurt. Lunch was Chickarina and pretzels. Dinner was awesome- I made a marinated pork tenderloin from TJ's, with baked sweet potatoes and green beans. I watched 'Celebrity Fit Club' while I ate- man, Screech from Saved By The Bell sure grew up to be a douchebag- and was heartily glad that my personal trainer is not a Marine drill sergeant.

After dinner, I had a tiny bit of chocolate and a lot of popcorn. But I did not smoke!

Calories 1889, Carbs 287, Fat 41, Protein 101.

Tuesday morning I went to the gym, and per my usual habit, weighed myself before starting the day's workout. WTF, scale, I am up 2.5 pounds over my previous low. I figure it's probably water retention (after I ate 2/3 of a giant bag of microwave popcorn, maybe?) and am not going to worry too much about it, but it's disappointing after ten weeks of seeing small, steady losses. I went a little harder on the elliptical than usual, giving thanks for my soon-to-be-increased lung capacity.

Pre-breakfast was OJ and peanut butter toast, breakfast was a banana. I was planning to have a nectarine, too, but as soon as I bit into it I found that the center of the fruit was all brown and mushy. I have been disappointed in TJ's fruit selection in the past- can't wait for my CSA fruit share to start arriving!

Lunch was a Tasty Bite and pretzels. Late-afternoon snack, at the Other Office, was string cheese. Dinner was awesome- I took the leftover pork tenderloin, diced it up small, and stirred it into a pot of browned onions and refried black beans. I served it in taco form, with multigrain tortillas and some fresh mango salsa on top- yum!

After dinner I finished the chocolate bites. Still not smoking.

Calories 1860, Carbs 240, Fat 61, Protein 104.

Tenth Weekend and some News

Something important happened on Friday that I haven't mentioned yet. While I was stuck in traffic, with lots of time to think, I found myself smoking almost constantly. I wasn't enjoying it, but I was bored. After 6 cigarettes in the first couple of hours, I started thinking about how much I hated having to do it, and how it was interfering with my gym goals and how much I wanted to stop. So before I got to work (hey, what's the difference between 3 hours late and 3 1/2 hours late?) I drove to CVS and bought some nicotine patches.

I've been wearing one for over 50 hours now and I have not smoked. Not once. I've wanted to, but I haven't, and I've found that if I acknowledge the craving and then put it out of my mind, hours will go by before I remember that I wanted it in the first place.

I'm really shy about talking about it, still, because it's so new and I don't want to be all "I'm a non-smoker WOOOOO GO ME!" and then fail. But I have decided to try, and in trying, found that it is in fact possible. That feeling is sort of familiar.

So: I have a patch on my belly and I'm chewing on a licorice twig. Not a Twizzler, but an actual stick. The theory behind it is that since licorice is used as a flavoring agent in smokes, sometimes replacing the taste will soothe the craving. I like them a lot, although I am constantly spitting out splinters. Attractive! I also threw away my last pack of smokes and put my lighter away, so if the urge strikes me while I am out and about or driving, it will be harder to act on it than to fight it.

Saturday morning, I went to the gym and did all my exercises thoroughly. I couldn't see any improvement in my breathing or stamina, but I didn't expect it after only 24 hours. But as I went through my stations I thought about how I would see it, and how it would help me get to where I'm trying to go. After the gym, I felt awesome. Came home, showered, ate a nice big turkey sandwich, and dried and straightened my hair. Then I was hit with the familiar Saturday afternoon let-down, where I'd done all the things I intended to do before 3 PM and didn't know what to do with myself for the rest of the day. I ended up on the couch watching a Hell's Kitchen marathon and not going outside. No smoke breaks = not leaving the house. I did a couple of Comcast yoga programs when I felt itchy and restless and those definitely helped. I might get myself a yoga mat as a weekly reward because I couldn't do some of the situp exercises- our living room floor is berber carpet over concrete and I'd like to keep all my vertebrae, thanks.

Dinner was baked chicken, roasted potatoes and broccoli. After dinner I still wanted to put stuff in my mouth so I had an apple and went to bed early.

Calories 1883, Carbs 221, Fat 57, Protein 131.

On Sunday it was apparent that I would have to go to the grocery store. I won't lie, I was apprehensive about leaving the house and driving in the car because for 10+ years, my routine has been: buckle seat belt, fire up smoke. I brought water, gum and sticks with me to help with the trip to Trader Joe's. Somehow I think my iPod knew that I was struggling because it shuffled up Big Star's "Ballad of El Goodo" which I found hugely motivational. So, I went to the store! And back!

Breakfast was Newman Flakes and yogurt, and after my shopping adventure I returned to the couch to watch more Hell's Kitchen. In one of the last challenges, one of the chefs made crab cakes and the other made fettuccine alfredo, so I made some of each. I measured out exactly one serving of fettuccine and enjoyed it thoroughly. G was out at a rock show with his brother, so I just made soup and a sandwich for dinner; I am getting pretty tired of turkey and I miss tuna salad and bacon!

Calories 1693, Carbs 224, Fat 52, Protein 94.