Gabbagoolia: I Can Not Has Cheezburger

The Bluefish of Sadness

I know I ended my previous entry somewhat abruptly, but I think I won't go back and edit it, as it is a perfect representation of what my life is like right now. In addition to working, following two sports and doing everything I have to do to stay on track with diet and exercise, I'm organizing a big graduation party for three of my friends at the end of the month. My to-do list is like a damn novel right now and I am feeling completely overwhelmed. As a result of worrying more, I've been sleeping less, and last night I had a tiny little meltdown.

After work, I had my usual errands to run, finishing up at Whole Foods. I didn't have a plan for dinner, so I thought I'd ask the seafood guys for a recommendation. One of them gave me absolutely excellent customer service- he recommended the bluefish, told me how to cook it and skinned it for me. I had told him that I was looking for a light-tasting fish, not something oily like salmon or swordfish, and pointed out that the bluefish looked pretty dark and oily. He promised me I'd love it.

I got home around 6:30, put the groceries away and started cooking. I wanted to roast the asparagus and tomatoes in the oven before G got home, because we haven't started up our AC yet and the oven makes the house so very hot. While those were going, I threw in three loads of laundry. After the vegetables came out, perfectly cooked, I ran into the bathroom to shave my legs, because I couldn't stand the thought of another day in long pants. Did I mention we're having a filthy heat wave?

When G got home I started cooking the fish. I sauteed sweet onions in butter, added fresh thyme and stock, and simmered until the liquid had reduced by half. Then I added the fish fillets and gently poached them until they were opaque. I removed the fish, discarded the thyme sprigs, and added some baby spinach. When the spinach was wilted, I tasted the pan sauce to adjust the seasonings, and then I started to cry.

It was disgusting. The oily, fishy taste of bluefish was all through the pan sauce and vegetables. I had put so much love and care into the preparation of dinner- it was after 8:00 by this point- and it was completely inedible. I had done everything I could do to make dinner a success, and because the Whole Foods seafood department wanted to unload some disgusting fillets, dinner was ruined. All I could do was cry, to vent my frustration. I didn't have a backup protein available and I didn't have the energy to go buy and cook something else. G was terrified. He didn't know what do say or do.

So we threw out the fish and the pan sauce and made sandwiches instead. G cleaned the kitchen and took out the trash to remove all traces of the Bluefish of Sadness. And I did some thinking- the reason I drive myself so crazy is that I want everything to be perfect and I don't like to delegate. I feel uncomfortable asking other people to do things for me because I want them done to my own standards, which are, admittedly, high. I feel like I can accomplish everything myself- errands, laundry, dinner, party planning- if I just work hard enough, so when I do everything right and it doesn't work out, I feel betrayed by the world. I cried for twenty minutes over a stupid $8 fish fillet.

There's a lesson in here somewhere, about letting things go and asking for help, and then accepting that help as a gesture of people's goodwill, whether the results are pleasing or not, but it is not an easy one to take in. Today, I reject that idea. And I am going to Whole Foods later on to give the fish department a piece of my mind.

Twenty-first week, and an anniversary

This weekend was my fourth wedding anniversary. My husband and I have now been together for nine years- we got married on the fifth anniversary of our first date (really the first time we hung out, it was not actually a date date). We had dinner at Summer Winter, and I'll just pause to allow you to check out their menu.

On Friday I had my usual sensible breakfast and lunch, and gave myself 'permission' to order whatever I felt like having when we got to the restaurant. And man, did I chow. We started with the yam fries with garlic aioli, a cheese plate, and a salad of leeks and baby greens with tarragon vinaigette. I think the greens might have been the best single thing I ate- they were so tiny and airy, it was like a mouthful of crunchy, savory freshness. Perfectly seasonal.

For my entree, I had the Kobe beef burger- more later.

Nineteenth Week, already over. Twentieth week, underway.

I didn't get around to posting all week because I was so busy doing other things. Most excitingly, I bought a camera. I've wanted one for a long time, but now that I am spending so much time thinking and talking about food that it might save me a few thousand words to be able to photograph it:













Without you I am nothing.

I made some 'egg muffins' over the weekend. The recipe is from one of the South Beach Diet cookbooks, but I got my info from Kalyn's Kitchen, as linked by one of the MATHletes.

Ingredients:













Cooking up the filling:













Finished product:













I also put together some tofu-tuna salad for lunches:













So I should have breakfast and lunch taken care of for most of the week.

I'm also glad to be able to take photos of myself. For a long time, I didn't like to look at my own pictures because I had an image of myself in my head that no longer resembled what I'd see in them. This weekend I weighed in at exactly 25 pounds down from when I started this whole thing, and I look like I think I look again. If that makes sense.

Here I am in my bathroom mirror, with a quarter balanced on my neck to show you how wide my shoulders actually are:













Hey, that looks like me!

Eighteenth Week

Monday Stats: Calories 1997, Carbs 278, Fat 49, Protein 126.

Tuesday Stats: Calories 2287, Carbs 316, Fat 62, Protein 136. I went over my calories by a lot; it was a gym day and I was really and truly hungry. If there's one majorly important thing I have learned over the past four months, it is the difference between being hungry and feeling snacky. I am devoted to giving my body everything it needs to get stronger and leaner and healthier- if I am really hungry I'm going to eat, end of story. Calorie restriction is all well and good, but is a distant second to nourishment, on my list of concerns.

In gym news, pushups are getting easier. I did three full sets of 12 on Tuesday morning- not perfectly, but better than before.

Wednesday Stats: Calories 1949, Carbs 224, Fat 71, Protein 118. I made a big batch of Tofu-Tuna Salad, which was lunch and also part of dinner. I used half a cup of regular mayo, half a block of firm tofu, three cans of tuna, about a quarter cup of chopped fresh dill, two cups of celery, and maybe 2T of dijon mustard- mmmm.

I went shopping at Idylwilde on Wednesday, and maybe I didn't eat enough of a late-afternoon snack, but I could not resist the siren call of a fresh baguette. I love whole grains, don't get me wrong, but there is something about ripping into a warm crusty French loaf to expose the soft, nutrition-free white goodness inside... I loaded my grocery bags into the back seat of the car and that bread was all I could smell or think about on the trip home. When I got it inside, I cut it into slices and put most of them in a big Ziploc in the freezer, but I kept out four little pieces and had tuna-tofu sandwiches. So satisfying.

Thursday morning I met with Mike again for a lower-body workout. We did a lot of work on the bosu, mainly variations on squats and deadlifts, and I was pretty good at those. We finished with the leg extension machine, which I will forever think of as the Pain Chair- the exercises were so hard that I couldn't even do one set without stopping to cry. I did finish three sets of 12, but it took me a while. I probably should have been nicer to all of my gym teachers over the years.

That afternoon, I took off early from work to do a couple of errands. I bought a digital food scale, a heart rate monitor and a bosu of my very own. I also bought a new tub stopper so that I could soak my poor abused quadriceps.

Calories 1949, Carbs 224, Fat 71, Protein 118.

Seventeenth Weekend

Thursday morning I met with Mike, my new trainer at the new gym. We were talking about goals and schedules, as you do, when it dawned on me: he is, by vocation, a high school phys ed teacher. After swearing to hate gym teachers forever, I am now paying a premium to have one of my very own. It blew my mind a little bit, I can't lie.

We made an appointment for Friday, and I went to work to assemble my food journal and workout logs. Lunch was delightful salad with hummus and tabouleh, and I had apples, apricots, yogurt and cereal for snacks. For dinner, I made a pork roast with steamed greens and mashed yams.

Calories 1568, Carbs 246, Fat 33, Protein 93.

Friday morning I met with Mike for our first workout together: he kicked my ass. Or, more properly, my arms and chest. My workouts so far have not included pushups or intensive tricep exercises, and we did a lot of them on Friday. It was incredibly difficult and strenuous, but I worked as hard as I could. At the end of our session, my arms were pretty much useless. He went off to coach high school gym with a cheery wave and the recommendation that I eat extra protein.

On the way home to shower and dress, I stopped at the supermarket and bought a protein bar. Not something I usually do, but my muscles were roaring for food and I was too hungry to think properly. While I was composing my food journal (copying and pasting from Sparkpeople, and then creating statistics) I realized that even though I have been eating really well, I've been getting too many calories from carbs (50 - 60%) and not enough from fat (20 - 25%). I decided to try upping my protein and fat intake, and reducing my carbs. So, lunch was leftover greens, hummus and tabouleh, with a can of plain tuna dumped in. Boring to eat, requiring a ton of tedious chewing, but exactly the right macronutrient profile. Eating is hard!

That evening, instead of going home to lie down like a sensible person, I had five friends over for dinner and the Red Sox/Celtics games. Dinner was really good, if I do say so myself: brown rice cooked with chicken stock; black beans seasoned with cumin, garlic and hot sauce; leftover pork tenderloin, shredded and simmered in salsa verde; poached chicken, chopped and seasoned with fresh lime juice, garlic salt and chili powder; sauteed zucchini and sweet onions; fresh salsa and sour cream; shredded cheese; chopped lettuce and rainbow bell peppers; choice of white flour tortillas or multigrain wraps. The games were not so good: Sox were rained out and Celtics lost on the road. But the evening was redeemed by some sweet times with good friends.

Calories 1784, Carbs 234, Fat 39, Protein 144.

On Saturday, G had plans to go visit his family, so I knew I'd be alone in the house all day. I gave some thought to lazing around in my bathrobe (my arms were really hurting, the morning after) but decided to take a walk to the library instead. When I got outside, the sun was shining and the day was bright and beautiful, and I decided to take a longer walk than just the five minutes to the library. I followed some historical marker trails down to the river, walked along the boardwalk for a mile or so, then cut across to the Town Hall complex where the library is and GUESS WHAT? It was the day of the annual book sale. I had brought a backpack with me, and stuffed some money in my pocket in case I had overdue fines, so I filled up my backpack with as many books as I could carry away.

When I got home, I heated up the leftovers from Taco Night and read in a comfy chair by a sunny window for the rest of the day. Dinner was a big salad, with chopped turkey and ham on top, and some low-sodium chicken soup (I've decided to start tracking fiber and sodium on Spark as well).

Calories 1759, Carbs 240, Fat 47, Protein 110.

Sunday morning I spent two hours at the gym. I did the workout that Mike had given me for upper body, then did my usual core and lower body exercises, then did my cardio afterwards (to maximize fat burn). At my weigh-in, I was officially down 20 pounds from where I was in January. I'd originally hoped to lose 20 pounds by the last weekend in July- I'm a little bit ahead of schedule. It feels good, I guess, but it feels better to fold up each pair of size 18 pants and put them into a bag for the next workplace clothes drive. It feels better to look at my forearms and how toned and strong they are. It feels better to wear my engagement ring again. It feels much better when G puts his hand on my hip and goes "damn, honey." It feels better to be leaner and stronger and, it must be said, prettier. So, although I will always be preoccupied with data and statistics and trending, that's not how I choose to measure my progress.

When I finished at the gym, I ate some pumpkin seeds and then took my sweaty self to the supermarket. It took me even longer than usual to shop because I was trying to think of how I could eat more protein and less carbs without going insane. When I got home, I made scrambled egg whites with salsa and cheese, and chicken sausage, but I also had a slice of toast. Whole-grain, yes, plenty of omega-3s, but delicious crunchy toast, made with real bread.

Dinner was more bean and chicken tacos, but I had mine without tortilla, in salad format. Knowing that I could have more fat than I'd been allowing myself, I had cheese and avocado on mine. So satisfying!

Calories 1890, Carbs 227, Fat 49, Protein 142.

Seventeenth Week

Monday morning was a gym day, and I got up early enough to have a bowl of Kashi beforehand. At work, I was down to the dregs of a soft brown banana, a grapefruit-flavored yogurt, Chickarina and stale pretzels. I went by Whole Foods on the way home because I needed some inspiration! I wanted meeeeeeat, and only meat, so I made turkey burgers with bacon and blue cheese incorporated into the patties. On the side I had sweet potato 'fries' and a massive spinach salad.

Calories 1878, Carbs 273, Fat 48, Protein 89.

Tuesday I was better provisioned- fresh pears, a new flavor of Kashi GoLEAN, and a big old salad with hummus and tabouleh. I even found some fat-free hummus; it is made without sesame tahini, which I hate anyway, so now it is possible for me to buy hummus instead of making it myself.

Dinner was whole-grain pasta and homemade sauce, with sweet chicken sausage, zucchini, spinach and mushrooms. Mmmm!

Calories 1777, Carbs 276, Fat 47, Protein 83.

Wednesday was another gym morning- I have been going every other day, instead of sticking to Tues/Thurs/Sat. I can't remember when I changed, or why, but I find myself wanting to spend as much time there as I can. I would go every day, if I could resign myself to having wet, ponytailed hair chilling the back of my neck all the time. I could get up half an hour earlier to fix my hair between the gym and the office, but somehow I don't think that is going to happen.

I had to go to the Other Office in the afternoon- another thing which I don't usually do on Wednesdays- and I was a little bit naughty and stopped at Old Navy and Whole Foods on the way. I was wearing some jeans that I'd bought in February and they were annoying me with their bagginess, so I treated myself to a new pair. Then I went to the WFM salad bar and got a little wild with their selection of vegetables, tofu and whole grain salads. Decadent!

Dinner was leftovers, followed by chocolate.

Calories 1867, Carbs 226, Fat 75, Protein 119.

Sixteenth Weekend

Saturday morning I went to the gym as scheduled. On the way home, I stopped at a different supermarket from my usual- the market itself is not as nice but it is certainly more convenient. I swear there wasn't an employee over 17 in the entire place, and the staff were struggling a little bit. For example, I usually bring my cloth grocery bags with me and put them right on top of my groceries as I load them onto the belt. As I finished unloading my cart, I noticed that the bagger was putting all my stuff in plastic bags. I asked him to take my groceries out of the plastic, and the cashier asked me "Oh, did you want us to use those cloth bags to pack your groceries?" I managed not to reply "No, they just like to go for a ride on the conveyor belt."

Breakfast was an egg white scramble with turkey kielbasa and vegetables. I've gotten G into the multigrain wraps so we are a breakfast burrito-nomming family. Then we cleaned together for most of the rest of the day. Again, Spark says you burn 400 calories an hour doing heavy cleaning- I did about four hours of moderate cleaning, so I figure it equals out.

Dinner was multigrain pasta with homemade sauce- I should have done something else because there was a lot of Italian food going around this weekend.

Calories 1775, Carbs 238, Fat 32, Protein 144.

Sunday was Mother's Day, and we took G's parents out to dinner- Italian again! I tried to eat moderately, but I have no idea how to count up what I ate. I ordered well (beet tartare with walnuts and gorgonzola, warm zucchini salad with almonds and pecorino, pan-roasted chicken breasts and garlic mashed potatoes in a pancetta white wine pan sauce) but I also had a taste of what everyone else ordered, and there is no way I am going to parse out ONE BITE of each of the following: cream of mushroom soup, crab cake with avocado salsa, tomato and buffalo mozz bruschetta, meat-stuffed cannelloni, scallops in mustard sauce, veal chop milanese, citrus creme brulee, chocolate layer cake. So my numbers are probably WILDLY off, especially in terms of fat and protein, but I'm not too concerned. It was delicious, but I'm glad it's over- after we were through I just felt horrible. Too much fat and salt and richness. Back on the low-fat multigrain train!

Calories 2315, Carbs 185, Fat 124, Protein 125.

Sixteenth Week, Part 2

Thursday was a really exciting day. I started off at the gym like any other alternate Thursday, then as I was on my way to work, I learned that our two good friends were moving into their new apartment, in our town, that afternoon. After a quick consultation with my boss, I decided to take a half day and go home to help them move in. I was thrilled to see them, of course, but I would be lying if I said I didn't think of it as an opportunity to lift heavy stuff.

I helped them from 2 until 5, and then we went to Subway to get sandwiches for the crew. After a short picnic, we did two more hours of work and then I showed my friend the beauty that is Idylwilde. Spark says you burn 672 calories per hour of moving, and I estimated that I did two hours of real work in five hours, so that was a nice bonus. Plus, good helping karma! By the time I got home I was ravenous, and I thought about ordering something for dinner, but was too hungry to wait for it- I microwaved some leftover lentil soup and some veggie pakora G'd left in the fridge.

Calories 1813, Carbs 223, Fat 69, Protein 93.

On Friday I had dinner plans after work with a former boss/current friend, so I ate lightly during the day. We ended up at a little Italian restaurant that seemed to be one of those best-kept-secret, where-the-locals-go places near where I work. Everything was delicious, and I ate and drank moderately. I still went over on calories and fat, but it was a busy, active week.

Calories 2404, Carbs 262, Fat 97, Protein 82.

Sixteenth Week, Part 1

Monday morning I made an important discovery: Kashi GoLean Crunch is actually delicious. I bought it in an experimental spirit, much like the time we tried GimmeLean, but with much better results. I also had tons of leftovers to bring to work- beet and feta salad with fresh mint, and orange tofu with asparagus. Sometimes I give G grief about how he never remembers to eat leftovers, but I am starting to jealously hoard anything that remains from my awesome healthy dinners.

He was working late again, so I had a big spinach salad with chopped deli turkey, feta and tabouleh for dinner. Then, because dinner was so virtuous, I had chocolate.

Calories 1729, Carbs 216, Fat 65, Protein 86.

Tuesday morning was the gym, then the Other Office in the afternoon. I prepared well, so I didn't need to stop for fast food on my way there or back. Breakfast was GoLean Crunch, lunch was canned soup and pretzels, snack was Kashi oatmeal, fruit and yogurt. For dinner, I made lentil soup with some rather elderly sweet onions and the leftover pork tenderloin. I was trying not to buy groceries this week because G's company just switched his paydays from the 1st and 15th to the 10th and 25th- huh?- so although the bills got paid, we didn't have a lot of available cash. And what could be better or thriftier than nourishing lentil soup, made from dried beans and ingredients I already had on hand? Also, leftoverriffic.

Calories 1898, Carbs 305, Fat 49, Protein 85.

On Wednesday, I had a treat to look forward to after work- dinner with my friends the MATHletes at a yummy Asian restaurant. I am still not very good about breaking my own rules- I could have had a giant platter of noodles and meat, but instead I wanted sushi. I did get one roll which was made with deep-fried soft shell crab and spicy mayonnaise sauce, which was delicious and satisfying. I had to guess wildly as to the nutritional content.

Calories 1717, Carbs 219, Fat 66, Protein 72.

Fifteenth Weekend

Friday morning I went to the gym, then made it through the workday with a minimum of incident. There was an all-company 'Cinco de Mayo' celebration in the afternoon (which I persisted in calling Dos de Mayo, because really) to which I did not go. I don't really socialize with people at work, although I like most of the people I work with- but to me, my friends are the people I hang out with because I want to, not because I am paid to. And there's probably very little on a Cinco de Mayo buffet that I would be willing to eat (at least, prepared by someone else). I am no fun.

G was home late, so I had a big salad for dinner: spinach, sprouts, red pepper, broccoslaw and a big scoop of lowfat tuna salad. Later on I was hungry for a snack, so I warmed up some Chavrie in the microwave and dipped pretzels into it. Of all the things I have cut out of my diet in the last four months, I miss chips-and-dip the most. I could go forever without another bite of a donut, but kettle-cooked potatoes with zesty ranch still call out my name.

Calories 1808, Carbs 229, Fat 64, Protein 101.

On Saturday, I went on a date with my husband. It was a long-awaited occasion- since he's been working 11 to 8 in the city, and I've been going to bed early, we haven't seen much of each other. So we drove into the city and went to a little art museum that we both love. We did a lot of walking and talking and, I will admit, possibly some making out in public, and it was just a perfect day. After all the art and architecture, we felt the need for huge plates of red meat, so we went to our favorite barbecue joint to refuel. The huge joke is that my favorite item on the menu there is the house green salad (with cornbread croutons!) but I had a little side of pulled pork to get into the barbecue spirit.

For dinner, I made orange-peanut tofu with asparagus. Poor G pointed out as I was serving it that I usually make rice to go under it... but it completely slipped my mind. My body has been asking for protein and vegetables lately and I find I could care less about carbs. I am not planning to go over to the Atkins dark side, though, because that way lies madness. Dude, eating the right stuff is hard!

Calories 2014, Carbs 164, Fat 123 (barbecue!), Protein 81.

Sunday I did the gym first thing, and came home fiending for protein. Made a quick scramble of egg whites, provolone cheese and salsa and rolled it up in a lavash- it definitely took longer to cook it in the microwave than it did to stuff it down my gullet. I should note that my weekend workouts are much longer and more intense than the ones I do during the week and eat accordingly!

Lunch was leftovers from the fridge. Dinner was mango salsa over black bean and roasted pork tacos, which I actually made using lavash (100 calories of whole-grain bread vs. 340 of white? no contest). Then with the calories I saved, I finished off the vanilla bean ice cream and mixed frozen berries leftover from Baseball Brunch. Totally worth it.

Calories 1873, Carbs 207, Fat 60, Protein 150.