Gabbagoolia: I Can Not Has Cheezburger

Working hard? Hardly working?

It's times like right now that I wish I had a personal trainer. I've been perservering with the Gym Junkies workouts (except that I mis-read the schedule and took an unscheduled Day Off, oops) but I'm feeling achy and tired and unmotivated. I think I bruised my heel in some way, because it hurts to run- it even hurts to walk after I've aggravated it. I also have some kind of ouchie just to the left of my spine, between my shoulder blades- I can't have pulled something way in there, can I? In any case, I've taken to writhing around on a tennis ball on the floor to attempt to massage that unreachable spot. G thinks that looks sexy. Husbands.

I'm still eating well, and I'm still dropping weight, but I'm frustrated anyway. I want someone outside of my own head to come up with a plan for me, with a beginning, middle and end. Do X, eat Y, stop when you get to Z. Correct your form on A, B and C. Treat injury D in such a way. And although I hate to admit it, I do take my inability to click with a trainer somewhat personally. The last guy I was seeing gave me a workout routine that I did not find challenging, so I emailed him with specific questions and feedback, and... never heard from him again. I thought we had a business relationship where he provided a service to me, and then when I told him that his service was not what I wanted and gave him an opportunity to fix it, he disappeared. It's not like we went on a bad date, dude!

So I don't know what to do. Today is an 'easy' day, I'll hit the elliptical because it doesn't aggravate my weird heel issue and try to come back stronger tomorrow.

Ow.

This month, I've decided to participate in the Gym Junkies 31 Day Shredded for Summer Challenge, sort of. I'm entirely committed to following the Fat Loss Gym Workout for Beginners, because I'm familiar with most of the exercises to be performed but could be a lot better at them. I have some reservations about the recommended diet (namely, that it does not provide enough calories for this level of exertion, and I am not convinced that grains should be limited to post-workout meals only) so I'm going to eat like I always do. I'm not interested in losing lots of weight fast through a routine that is unsustainable- I am working on slow, steady body composition change.

Wow, got off on a tangent there. I started writing this entry so that I could complain! Onwards.

The general plan of the workouts is one day prescribed workout, one day independent workout, one day off. The Day 1 prescription kicked my ass pretty hard. On Day 2, for my independent workout, I put my husband through the Day 1 (although, ahem, I was showing him how to do the exercises with an empty bar) and then did some high-intensity intervals on the elliptical. It was hard to rest on Day 3 because it was Sunday, when I am accustomed to doing a long slow distance run, but I managed to sit on my ass watching movies and eating pizza with my besties. I suffer so.

Yesterday was Day 4: burpees! The regimen called for four sets of 20, but I finished those in about 20 minutes and still had something left in the tank, so I did five. I also thought it might be fun to add a pushup in the middle (between the squat thrust part and the jump-in-the-air part). I am regretting that decision today, ow. Ow.

Tonight I was supposed to play softball, but our game was rained out, so I think it's the treadmill for me. Funny how that now qualifies as an 'easy day'.

Eighteenth Week

Monday Stats: Calories 1997, Carbs 278, Fat 49, Protein 126.

Tuesday Stats: Calories 2287, Carbs 316, Fat 62, Protein 136. I went over my calories by a lot; it was a gym day and I was really and truly hungry. If there's one majorly important thing I have learned over the past four months, it is the difference between being hungry and feeling snacky. I am devoted to giving my body everything it needs to get stronger and leaner and healthier- if I am really hungry I'm going to eat, end of story. Calorie restriction is all well and good, but is a distant second to nourishment, on my list of concerns.

In gym news, pushups are getting easier. I did three full sets of 12 on Tuesday morning- not perfectly, but better than before.

Wednesday Stats: Calories 1949, Carbs 224, Fat 71, Protein 118. I made a big batch of Tofu-Tuna Salad, which was lunch and also part of dinner. I used half a cup of regular mayo, half a block of firm tofu, three cans of tuna, about a quarter cup of chopped fresh dill, two cups of celery, and maybe 2T of dijon mustard- mmmm.

I went shopping at Idylwilde on Wednesday, and maybe I didn't eat enough of a late-afternoon snack, but I could not resist the siren call of a fresh baguette. I love whole grains, don't get me wrong, but there is something about ripping into a warm crusty French loaf to expose the soft, nutrition-free white goodness inside... I loaded my grocery bags into the back seat of the car and that bread was all I could smell or think about on the trip home. When I got it inside, I cut it into slices and put most of them in a big Ziploc in the freezer, but I kept out four little pieces and had tuna-tofu sandwiches. So satisfying.

Thursday morning I met with Mike again for a lower-body workout. We did a lot of work on the bosu, mainly variations on squats and deadlifts, and I was pretty good at those. We finished with the leg extension machine, which I will forever think of as the Pain Chair- the exercises were so hard that I couldn't even do one set without stopping to cry. I did finish three sets of 12, but it took me a while. I probably should have been nicer to all of my gym teachers over the years.

That afternoon, I took off early from work to do a couple of errands. I bought a digital food scale, a heart rate monitor and a bosu of my very own. I also bought a new tub stopper so that I could soak my poor abused quadriceps.

Calories 1949, Carbs 224, Fat 71, Protein 118.

Seventeenth Weekend

Thursday morning I met with Mike, my new trainer at the new gym. We were talking about goals and schedules, as you do, when it dawned on me: he is, by vocation, a high school phys ed teacher. After swearing to hate gym teachers forever, I am now paying a premium to have one of my very own. It blew my mind a little bit, I can't lie.

We made an appointment for Friday, and I went to work to assemble my food journal and workout logs. Lunch was delightful salad with hummus and tabouleh, and I had apples, apricots, yogurt and cereal for snacks. For dinner, I made a pork roast with steamed greens and mashed yams.

Calories 1568, Carbs 246, Fat 33, Protein 93.

Friday morning I met with Mike for our first workout together: he kicked my ass. Or, more properly, my arms and chest. My workouts so far have not included pushups or intensive tricep exercises, and we did a lot of them on Friday. It was incredibly difficult and strenuous, but I worked as hard as I could. At the end of our session, my arms were pretty much useless. He went off to coach high school gym with a cheery wave and the recommendation that I eat extra protein.

On the way home to shower and dress, I stopped at the supermarket and bought a protein bar. Not something I usually do, but my muscles were roaring for food and I was too hungry to think properly. While I was composing my food journal (copying and pasting from Sparkpeople, and then creating statistics) I realized that even though I have been eating really well, I've been getting too many calories from carbs (50 - 60%) and not enough from fat (20 - 25%). I decided to try upping my protein and fat intake, and reducing my carbs. So, lunch was leftover greens, hummus and tabouleh, with a can of plain tuna dumped in. Boring to eat, requiring a ton of tedious chewing, but exactly the right macronutrient profile. Eating is hard!

That evening, instead of going home to lie down like a sensible person, I had five friends over for dinner and the Red Sox/Celtics games. Dinner was really good, if I do say so myself: brown rice cooked with chicken stock; black beans seasoned with cumin, garlic and hot sauce; leftover pork tenderloin, shredded and simmered in salsa verde; poached chicken, chopped and seasoned with fresh lime juice, garlic salt and chili powder; sauteed zucchini and sweet onions; fresh salsa and sour cream; shredded cheese; chopped lettuce and rainbow bell peppers; choice of white flour tortillas or multigrain wraps. The games were not so good: Sox were rained out and Celtics lost on the road. But the evening was redeemed by some sweet times with good friends.

Calories 1784, Carbs 234, Fat 39, Protein 144.

On Saturday, G had plans to go visit his family, so I knew I'd be alone in the house all day. I gave some thought to lazing around in my bathrobe (my arms were really hurting, the morning after) but decided to take a walk to the library instead. When I got outside, the sun was shining and the day was bright and beautiful, and I decided to take a longer walk than just the five minutes to the library. I followed some historical marker trails down to the river, walked along the boardwalk for a mile or so, then cut across to the Town Hall complex where the library is and GUESS WHAT? It was the day of the annual book sale. I had brought a backpack with me, and stuffed some money in my pocket in case I had overdue fines, so I filled up my backpack with as many books as I could carry away.

When I got home, I heated up the leftovers from Taco Night and read in a comfy chair by a sunny window for the rest of the day. Dinner was a big salad, with chopped turkey and ham on top, and some low-sodium chicken soup (I've decided to start tracking fiber and sodium on Spark as well).

Calories 1759, Carbs 240, Fat 47, Protein 110.

Sunday morning I spent two hours at the gym. I did the workout that Mike had given me for upper body, then did my usual core and lower body exercises, then did my cardio afterwards (to maximize fat burn). At my weigh-in, I was officially down 20 pounds from where I was in January. I'd originally hoped to lose 20 pounds by the last weekend in July- I'm a little bit ahead of schedule. It feels good, I guess, but it feels better to fold up each pair of size 18 pants and put them into a bag for the next workplace clothes drive. It feels better to look at my forearms and how toned and strong they are. It feels better to wear my engagement ring again. It feels much better when G puts his hand on my hip and goes "damn, honey." It feels better to be leaner and stronger and, it must be said, prettier. So, although I will always be preoccupied with data and statistics and trending, that's not how I choose to measure my progress.

When I finished at the gym, I ate some pumpkin seeds and then took my sweaty self to the supermarket. It took me even longer than usual to shop because I was trying to think of how I could eat more protein and less carbs without going insane. When I got home, I made scrambled egg whites with salsa and cheese, and chicken sausage, but I also had a slice of toast. Whole-grain, yes, plenty of omega-3s, but delicious crunchy toast, made with real bread.

Dinner was more bean and chicken tacos, but I had mine without tortilla, in salad format. Knowing that I could have more fat than I'd been allowing myself, I had cheese and avocado on mine. So satisfying!

Calories 1890, Carbs 227, Fat 49, Protein 142.

Seventeenth Week

Monday morning was a gym day, and I got up early enough to have a bowl of Kashi beforehand. At work, I was down to the dregs of a soft brown banana, a grapefruit-flavored yogurt, Chickarina and stale pretzels. I went by Whole Foods on the way home because I needed some inspiration! I wanted meeeeeeat, and only meat, so I made turkey burgers with bacon and blue cheese incorporated into the patties. On the side I had sweet potato 'fries' and a massive spinach salad.

Calories 1878, Carbs 273, Fat 48, Protein 89.

Tuesday I was better provisioned- fresh pears, a new flavor of Kashi GoLEAN, and a big old salad with hummus and tabouleh. I even found some fat-free hummus; it is made without sesame tahini, which I hate anyway, so now it is possible for me to buy hummus instead of making it myself.

Dinner was whole-grain pasta and homemade sauce, with sweet chicken sausage, zucchini, spinach and mushrooms. Mmmm!

Calories 1777, Carbs 276, Fat 47, Protein 83.

Wednesday was another gym morning- I have been going every other day, instead of sticking to Tues/Thurs/Sat. I can't remember when I changed, or why, but I find myself wanting to spend as much time there as I can. I would go every day, if I could resign myself to having wet, ponytailed hair chilling the back of my neck all the time. I could get up half an hour earlier to fix my hair between the gym and the office, but somehow I don't think that is going to happen.

I had to go to the Other Office in the afternoon- another thing which I don't usually do on Wednesdays- and I was a little bit naughty and stopped at Old Navy and Whole Foods on the way. I was wearing some jeans that I'd bought in February and they were annoying me with their bagginess, so I treated myself to a new pair. Then I went to the WFM salad bar and got a little wild with their selection of vegetables, tofu and whole grain salads. Decadent!

Dinner was leftovers, followed by chocolate.

Calories 1867, Carbs 226, Fat 75, Protein 119.

Sixteenth Week, Part 1

Monday morning I made an important discovery: Kashi GoLean Crunch is actually delicious. I bought it in an experimental spirit, much like the time we tried GimmeLean, but with much better results. I also had tons of leftovers to bring to work- beet and feta salad with fresh mint, and orange tofu with asparagus. Sometimes I give G grief about how he never remembers to eat leftovers, but I am starting to jealously hoard anything that remains from my awesome healthy dinners.

He was working late again, so I had a big spinach salad with chopped deli turkey, feta and tabouleh for dinner. Then, because dinner was so virtuous, I had chocolate.

Calories 1729, Carbs 216, Fat 65, Protein 86.

Tuesday morning was the gym, then the Other Office in the afternoon. I prepared well, so I didn't need to stop for fast food on my way there or back. Breakfast was GoLean Crunch, lunch was canned soup and pretzels, snack was Kashi oatmeal, fruit and yogurt. For dinner, I made lentil soup with some rather elderly sweet onions and the leftover pork tenderloin. I was trying not to buy groceries this week because G's company just switched his paydays from the 1st and 15th to the 10th and 25th- huh?- so although the bills got paid, we didn't have a lot of available cash. And what could be better or thriftier than nourishing lentil soup, made from dried beans and ingredients I already had on hand? Also, leftoverriffic.

Calories 1898, Carbs 305, Fat 49, Protein 85.

On Wednesday, I had a treat to look forward to after work- dinner with my friends the MATHletes at a yummy Asian restaurant. I am still not very good about breaking my own rules- I could have had a giant platter of noodles and meat, but instead I wanted sushi. I did get one roll which was made with deep-fried soft shell crab and spicy mayonnaise sauce, which was delicious and satisfying. I had to guess wildly as to the nutritional content.

Calories 1717, Carbs 219, Fat 66, Protein 72.

Fifteenth Week, Part 2

Wednesday was another big leftover day. I had more MEF, and also some beef with pea pods that was kicking around in the fridge. I also made some turkey and chevre rollups for the late afternoon, because I had an appointment at my new gym and needed a good protein snack just in case.

So- the new gym! I like it, so far. There were four or five people there over a period of two hours; I imagine that's because after work is a peak time. One of the selling points is that it's a private fitness club, with key card access, and it is significantly more expensive than my old gym, so I think the only people in there will be serious about fitness. At Bally's, there were a couple of old dudes who'd come in dressed in jeans and work boots, or trousers and loafers, and hold a barbell while staring at ladies in the mirrored wall: ew. Also, it was huge, busy and imperfectly clean. I liked my trainer, and I hope he won't be disappointed that I'm breaking up with him, but I need to feel like I want to be at the gym.

I met up with the owner and did all the paperwork, then did a workout to get myself oriented. I already have a beef with the new gym, though, which is that there are no mirrors which go all the way to the floor, so I had to do my planks by feel and I skipped my glute bridges. I gave the owner some good-natured grief about it already, so maybe he'll install one. The treadmills are super fancy and have HDTVs and iPod jacks, and touch screens. Most of the space is devoted to serious weights. I am super psyched to meet up with my new trainer and switch up my routine.

After the gym, I was ravenous (even after my yummy turkey snack) and tempted to drive thru something, but I did not. I kept telling myself that if I cooked dinner, I would feel good, and if I bought dinner, I would feel bad, and it worked. I made a scrambled egg concoction with two strips of bacon, four egg whites and two whole eggs, and a bunch of vegetables. Mmmmm protein.

Calories 2018, Carbs 164, Fat 88, Protein 139. Too much fat but maybe my highest protein total ever?

Thursday I 'slept in' as I'd done my lower-body workout on Wednesday. I still got up at 7, which gave me enough time to wash and fix my hair and still get to work by 9:15. Today was the first day that I wore a complete outfit of new clothes- I put on some khaki cropped pants, a fitted white t-shirt with a deep scoop neck, and a chocolate and pink argyle cardigan. Just for fun, I decided to complete the outfit with a pair of brown Steve Madden platforms that I bought a million years ago and recently found while cleaning out the trunk of my car. Still cute, though! I got a number of compliments at work and a couple of people took me aside to tell me how great I look lately. Strangely enough, I'm not tired of it yet.

Breakfast was free yogurt and fruit salad from the building's cafe- they were having an event to celebrate a recent name change. I had some fruit and pretzels, and then had to go out to the Other Office. I knew lunch would be fast food, so I tried to choose wisely. I had a chicken stir fry pocket from D'Angelo's, without cheesy mayo goodness, and it was reasonably healthy.

After a long session at the OO, I stopped by Idylwilde for some more vegetables. I always get so crazy at that place! Everything looks so beautiful and colorful, and then it is such a challenge to prepare everything before it starts to wilt. Dinner was whole wheat pasta with homemade sauce, that I made out of tomatoes, zucchini, portobellos and sweet Italian chicken sausage.

Calories 1936, Carbs 316, Fat 33 (really low), Protein 100.

Fifteenth Week

This week has been all about leftovers. Sunday afternoon I'd made turkey burgers with crumbled blue cheese, bacon, portabellas and scallions mixed in with the meat (so moist! so good!) and those leftovers were Monday's lunch. Dinner was Middle East Feast- low-fat hummus, tabouleh, feta, whole wheat pita, sliced cucumber, shredded carrots, alfalfa sprouts, fresh baby spinach. I dined alone on Monday, so there were plenty of leftovers! I also had some ice cream, left over from Baseball Brunch- but I had 1/2 cup serving mixed with 1 cup of warmed frozen berries, for a super-awesome treat.

Calories 2029, Carbs 218, Fat 90 (way too high- I blame ice cream and bacon), Protein 96.

Tuesday morning I went to the old gym for what may be the last time. I decided to cut cardio short and focus on getting a really good round of strength training done. So I did 16 minutes on the elliptical, then did a good long set of all my core and upper body exercises. I finished up, left the gym, got on the highway... and Rt. 495 was a parking lot. I took the first available exit, looped back around to the gym, and did another 30 minutes on the bike. Hey, I was going to be late to work anyway, might as well use the time productively rather than sitting in traffic honking and bitching.

That afternoon, bored at work, I decided to take a half day and get some errands done. I had my eyebrows waxed and my teeth cleaned, then made a trip up to Nashua to look for more clothes. And OMG, the Nashua Target is the greatest Target in the history of Targets. So many cute clothes! I bought a whole bunch of new stuff there, then window-shopped my way to the food court, where I was confronted with Chik-Fil-A. I have been trying to avoid fast food, and mostly have done so, but it is so rare that I even see a Chik-Fil-A that I couldn't resist. I had the grilled sandwich and a small order of fried chicken strips because they are just so delicious.

Then I went to the Gap and bought a couple pairs of beautiful jeans in my size off the clearance rack. Whaaaaaaaaat?

Later, dinner was more Mid-East Feasting. I can't find a calorie count for shopping on Spark but you cannot tell me it's not a physical activity.

Calories 2048, Carbs 246, Fat 78, Protein 108.

Never Apologize, Never Explain

So... I have neglected to write about last week, but every time I think about it I just get discouraged. I haven't done anything I shouldn't have done (no smoking, reasonably healthy eating, have not murdered anyone) but I have been... depressed? I know that what I am going through is physical, but I have been experiencing the withdrawal from nicotine as a deep sadness. I feel less like myself- there are all kinds of decisions that need to be made and somehow I have not felt up to making them. I need to either quit my gym OR make another appointment with my trainer; if I quit my gym I need to join another one, immediately. I badly want to quit Bally's (although I like my trainer, I don't think I can keep him) but I haven't felt up to the change. Where has all my gumption gone?

I am hoping it will pass quickly. I wore my last patch on Thursday and it's Sunday night- there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel, right? There just has to be.

So big love to all my Spark and online friends who have checked in with me- I am fine, just cranky as blazes and hiding my face until I feel a little better.

Thirteenth Weekend

Saturday I had a salon appointment- first leg wax of the year- and then to check out a different gym. I've been thinking of making a change, because my current gym is too crowded and (except for my trainer) the staff are terrible. I liked the place I saw today, and I have two more to visit before I make up my mind, but  it's good knowing what else is out there.

When I got home, I had a turkey sandwich with leftover zucchini, and then took a nap. Dinner was takeout- cheese pizza and spinach salad with my own Newman's dressing.

Calories 1012 (dude, I know, I thought the pizza would have more than it did), Carbs 127, Fat 36, Protein 49.

Sunday was my gym day this weekend, and then I went to meet a friend for a long-overdue shopping mission. We spent almost 5 hours wandering the Natick Mall, trying on anything and everything that might look good on me. The good news is that I am definitely a size 16; the bad news is that no matter how skinny I might get, I am still too long-waisted to expect to find tops that work on me. I wish I'd remembered to wear my borrowed pedometer!

After our shopping trip, I had to go to Whole Foods for supplies for Baseball Brunch- namely, Guinness and ice cream. I picked up a California roll for dinner while I was there, but it wasn't enough to prevent me from eating half of a big choco-chip cookie.

Calories 2079, Carbs 324, Fat 52, Protein 84.

Monday was Baseball Brunch, hooray! In case I did not already explain what that is, on the day of the Boston Marathon, the Red Sox play an 11 AM game at home. Many, if not most, people who work or go to school in the area get to take that day off. So I host a small brunch at my house, where we all start drinking at 10 AM Monday morning and watch the game.

I had already promised myself a 'free day'- meaning that I would eat whatever I wanted and not worry about fat or calories. Considering that I have been rigorously monitoring every damn bite for 3 months, I did not feel bad in the least. I had one Guinness float-style (pour beer, add scoop of vanilla ice cream, YUM) and one plain, and greatly enjoyed every bite of home fries and scrambled eggs with fresh dill and sharp cheddar. My guests brought fruit salad and a chilled fruit soup, which were very good.

Then, of course, as soon as my guests left, I cleaned the kitchen and took a nap. For dinner, I made my lemon-poached fish, with brown rice and asparagus and a massive salad.

Calories 2186, Carbs 203, Fat 98, Protein 85. Not bad for a free day!