Gabbagoolia: I Can Not Has Cheezburger

Seventeenth Weekend

Thursday morning I met with Mike, my new trainer at the new gym. We were talking about goals and schedules, as you do, when it dawned on me: he is, by vocation, a high school phys ed teacher. After swearing to hate gym teachers forever, I am now paying a premium to have one of my very own. It blew my mind a little bit, I can't lie.

We made an appointment for Friday, and I went to work to assemble my food journal and workout logs. Lunch was delightful salad with hummus and tabouleh, and I had apples, apricots, yogurt and cereal for snacks. For dinner, I made a pork roast with steamed greens and mashed yams.

Calories 1568, Carbs 246, Fat 33, Protein 93.

Friday morning I met with Mike for our first workout together: he kicked my ass. Or, more properly, my arms and chest. My workouts so far have not included pushups or intensive tricep exercises, and we did a lot of them on Friday. It was incredibly difficult and strenuous, but I worked as hard as I could. At the end of our session, my arms were pretty much useless. He went off to coach high school gym with a cheery wave and the recommendation that I eat extra protein.

On the way home to shower and dress, I stopped at the supermarket and bought a protein bar. Not something I usually do, but my muscles were roaring for food and I was too hungry to think properly. While I was composing my food journal (copying and pasting from Sparkpeople, and then creating statistics) I realized that even though I have been eating really well, I've been getting too many calories from carbs (50 - 60%) and not enough from fat (20 - 25%). I decided to try upping my protein and fat intake, and reducing my carbs. So, lunch was leftover greens, hummus and tabouleh, with a can of plain tuna dumped in. Boring to eat, requiring a ton of tedious chewing, but exactly the right macronutrient profile. Eating is hard!

That evening, instead of going home to lie down like a sensible person, I had five friends over for dinner and the Red Sox/Celtics games. Dinner was really good, if I do say so myself: brown rice cooked with chicken stock; black beans seasoned with cumin, garlic and hot sauce; leftover pork tenderloin, shredded and simmered in salsa verde; poached chicken, chopped and seasoned with fresh lime juice, garlic salt and chili powder; sauteed zucchini and sweet onions; fresh salsa and sour cream; shredded cheese; chopped lettuce and rainbow bell peppers; choice of white flour tortillas or multigrain wraps. The games were not so good: Sox were rained out and Celtics lost on the road. But the evening was redeemed by some sweet times with good friends.

Calories 1784, Carbs 234, Fat 39, Protein 144.

On Saturday, G had plans to go visit his family, so I knew I'd be alone in the house all day. I gave some thought to lazing around in my bathrobe (my arms were really hurting, the morning after) but decided to take a walk to the library instead. When I got outside, the sun was shining and the day was bright and beautiful, and I decided to take a longer walk than just the five minutes to the library. I followed some historical marker trails down to the river, walked along the boardwalk for a mile or so, then cut across to the Town Hall complex where the library is and GUESS WHAT? It was the day of the annual book sale. I had brought a backpack with me, and stuffed some money in my pocket in case I had overdue fines, so I filled up my backpack with as many books as I could carry away.

When I got home, I heated up the leftovers from Taco Night and read in a comfy chair by a sunny window for the rest of the day. Dinner was a big salad, with chopped turkey and ham on top, and some low-sodium chicken soup (I've decided to start tracking fiber and sodium on Spark as well).

Calories 1759, Carbs 240, Fat 47, Protein 110.

Sunday morning I spent two hours at the gym. I did the workout that Mike had given me for upper body, then did my usual core and lower body exercises, then did my cardio afterwards (to maximize fat burn). At my weigh-in, I was officially down 20 pounds from where I was in January. I'd originally hoped to lose 20 pounds by the last weekend in July- I'm a little bit ahead of schedule. It feels good, I guess, but it feels better to fold up each pair of size 18 pants and put them into a bag for the next workplace clothes drive. It feels better to look at my forearms and how toned and strong they are. It feels better to wear my engagement ring again. It feels much better when G puts his hand on my hip and goes "damn, honey." It feels better to be leaner and stronger and, it must be said, prettier. So, although I will always be preoccupied with data and statistics and trending, that's not how I choose to measure my progress.

When I finished at the gym, I ate some pumpkin seeds and then took my sweaty self to the supermarket. It took me even longer than usual to shop because I was trying to think of how I could eat more protein and less carbs without going insane. When I got home, I made scrambled egg whites with salsa and cheese, and chicken sausage, but I also had a slice of toast. Whole-grain, yes, plenty of omega-3s, but delicious crunchy toast, made with real bread.

Dinner was more bean and chicken tacos, but I had mine without tortilla, in salad format. Knowing that I could have more fat than I'd been allowing myself, I had cheese and avocado on mine. So satisfying!

Calories 1890, Carbs 227, Fat 49, Protein 142.

Sixteenth Week, Part 2

Thursday was a really exciting day. I started off at the gym like any other alternate Thursday, then as I was on my way to work, I learned that our two good friends were moving into their new apartment, in our town, that afternoon. After a quick consultation with my boss, I decided to take a half day and go home to help them move in. I was thrilled to see them, of course, but I would be lying if I said I didn't think of it as an opportunity to lift heavy stuff.

I helped them from 2 until 5, and then we went to Subway to get sandwiches for the crew. After a short picnic, we did two more hours of work and then I showed my friend the beauty that is Idylwilde. Spark says you burn 672 calories per hour of moving, and I estimated that I did two hours of real work in five hours, so that was a nice bonus. Plus, good helping karma! By the time I got home I was ravenous, and I thought about ordering something for dinner, but was too hungry to wait for it- I microwaved some leftover lentil soup and some veggie pakora G'd left in the fridge.

Calories 1813, Carbs 223, Fat 69, Protein 93.

On Friday I had dinner plans after work with a former boss/current friend, so I ate lightly during the day. We ended up at a little Italian restaurant that seemed to be one of those best-kept-secret, where-the-locals-go places near where I work. Everything was delicious, and I ate and drank moderately. I still went over on calories and fat, but it was a busy, active week.

Calories 2404, Carbs 262, Fat 97, Protein 82.

Sixteenth Week, Part 1

Monday morning I made an important discovery: Kashi GoLean Crunch is actually delicious. I bought it in an experimental spirit, much like the time we tried GimmeLean, but with much better results. I also had tons of leftovers to bring to work- beet and feta salad with fresh mint, and orange tofu with asparagus. Sometimes I give G grief about how he never remembers to eat leftovers, but I am starting to jealously hoard anything that remains from my awesome healthy dinners.

He was working late again, so I had a big spinach salad with chopped deli turkey, feta and tabouleh for dinner. Then, because dinner was so virtuous, I had chocolate.

Calories 1729, Carbs 216, Fat 65, Protein 86.

Tuesday morning was the gym, then the Other Office in the afternoon. I prepared well, so I didn't need to stop for fast food on my way there or back. Breakfast was GoLean Crunch, lunch was canned soup and pretzels, snack was Kashi oatmeal, fruit and yogurt. For dinner, I made lentil soup with some rather elderly sweet onions and the leftover pork tenderloin. I was trying not to buy groceries this week because G's company just switched his paydays from the 1st and 15th to the 10th and 25th- huh?- so although the bills got paid, we didn't have a lot of available cash. And what could be better or thriftier than nourishing lentil soup, made from dried beans and ingredients I already had on hand? Also, leftoverriffic.

Calories 1898, Carbs 305, Fat 49, Protein 85.

On Wednesday, I had a treat to look forward to after work- dinner with my friends the MATHletes at a yummy Asian restaurant. I am still not very good about breaking my own rules- I could have had a giant platter of noodles and meat, but instead I wanted sushi. I did get one roll which was made with deep-fried soft shell crab and spicy mayonnaise sauce, which was delicious and satisfying. I had to guess wildly as to the nutritional content.

Calories 1717, Carbs 219, Fat 66, Protein 72.

Fifteenth Weekend

Friday morning I went to the gym, then made it through the workday with a minimum of incident. There was an all-company 'Cinco de Mayo' celebration in the afternoon (which I persisted in calling Dos de Mayo, because really) to which I did not go. I don't really socialize with people at work, although I like most of the people I work with- but to me, my friends are the people I hang out with because I want to, not because I am paid to. And there's probably very little on a Cinco de Mayo buffet that I would be willing to eat (at least, prepared by someone else). I am no fun.

G was home late, so I had a big salad for dinner: spinach, sprouts, red pepper, broccoslaw and a big scoop of lowfat tuna salad. Later on I was hungry for a snack, so I warmed up some Chavrie in the microwave and dipped pretzels into it. Of all the things I have cut out of my diet in the last four months, I miss chips-and-dip the most. I could go forever without another bite of a donut, but kettle-cooked potatoes with zesty ranch still call out my name.

Calories 1808, Carbs 229, Fat 64, Protein 101.

On Saturday, I went on a date with my husband. It was a long-awaited occasion- since he's been working 11 to 8 in the city, and I've been going to bed early, we haven't seen much of each other. So we drove into the city and went to a little art museum that we both love. We did a lot of walking and talking and, I will admit, possibly some making out in public, and it was just a perfect day. After all the art and architecture, we felt the need for huge plates of red meat, so we went to our favorite barbecue joint to refuel. The huge joke is that my favorite item on the menu there is the house green salad (with cornbread croutons!) but I had a little side of pulled pork to get into the barbecue spirit.

For dinner, I made orange-peanut tofu with asparagus. Poor G pointed out as I was serving it that I usually make rice to go under it... but it completely slipped my mind. My body has been asking for protein and vegetables lately and I find I could care less about carbs. I am not planning to go over to the Atkins dark side, though, because that way lies madness. Dude, eating the right stuff is hard!

Calories 2014, Carbs 164, Fat 123 (barbecue!), Protein 81.

Sunday I did the gym first thing, and came home fiending for protein. Made a quick scramble of egg whites, provolone cheese and salsa and rolled it up in a lavash- it definitely took longer to cook it in the microwave than it did to stuff it down my gullet. I should note that my weekend workouts are much longer and more intense than the ones I do during the week and eat accordingly!

Lunch was leftovers from the fridge. Dinner was mango salsa over black bean and roasted pork tacos, which I actually made using lavash (100 calories of whole-grain bread vs. 340 of white? no contest). Then with the calories I saved, I finished off the vanilla bean ice cream and mixed frozen berries leftover from Baseball Brunch. Totally worth it.

Calories 1873, Carbs 207, Fat 60, Protein 150.

Never Apologize, Never Explain

So... I have neglected to write about last week, but every time I think about it I just get discouraged. I haven't done anything I shouldn't have done (no smoking, reasonably healthy eating, have not murdered anyone) but I have been... depressed? I know that what I am going through is physical, but I have been experiencing the withdrawal from nicotine as a deep sadness. I feel less like myself- there are all kinds of decisions that need to be made and somehow I have not felt up to making them. I need to either quit my gym OR make another appointment with my trainer; if I quit my gym I need to join another one, immediately. I badly want to quit Bally's (although I like my trainer, I don't think I can keep him) but I haven't felt up to the change. Where has all my gumption gone?

I am hoping it will pass quickly. I wore my last patch on Thursday and it's Sunday night- there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel, right? There just has to be.

So big love to all my Spark and online friends who have checked in with me- I am fine, just cranky as blazes and hiding my face until I feel a little better.

Thirteenth Weekend

Saturday I had a salon appointment- first leg wax of the year- and then to check out a different gym. I've been thinking of making a change, because my current gym is too crowded and (except for my trainer) the staff are terrible. I liked the place I saw today, and I have two more to visit before I make up my mind, but  it's good knowing what else is out there.

When I got home, I had a turkey sandwich with leftover zucchini, and then took a nap. Dinner was takeout- cheese pizza and spinach salad with my own Newman's dressing.

Calories 1012 (dude, I know, I thought the pizza would have more than it did), Carbs 127, Fat 36, Protein 49.

Sunday was my gym day this weekend, and then I went to meet a friend for a long-overdue shopping mission. We spent almost 5 hours wandering the Natick Mall, trying on anything and everything that might look good on me. The good news is that I am definitely a size 16; the bad news is that no matter how skinny I might get, I am still too long-waisted to expect to find tops that work on me. I wish I'd remembered to wear my borrowed pedometer!

After our shopping trip, I had to go to Whole Foods for supplies for Baseball Brunch- namely, Guinness and ice cream. I picked up a California roll for dinner while I was there, but it wasn't enough to prevent me from eating half of a big choco-chip cookie.

Calories 2079, Carbs 324, Fat 52, Protein 84.

Monday was Baseball Brunch, hooray! In case I did not already explain what that is, on the day of the Boston Marathon, the Red Sox play an 11 AM game at home. Many, if not most, people who work or go to school in the area get to take that day off. So I host a small brunch at my house, where we all start drinking at 10 AM Monday morning and watch the game.

I had already promised myself a 'free day'- meaning that I would eat whatever I wanted and not worry about fat or calories. Considering that I have been rigorously monitoring every damn bite for 3 months, I did not feel bad in the least. I had one Guinness float-style (pour beer, add scoop of vanilla ice cream, YUM) and one plain, and greatly enjoyed every bite of home fries and scrambled eggs with fresh dill and sharp cheddar. My guests brought fruit salad and a chilled fruit soup, which were very good.

Then, of course, as soon as my guests left, I cleaned the kitchen and took a nap. For dinner, I made my lemon-poached fish, with brown rice and asparagus and a massive salad.

Calories 2186, Carbs 203, Fat 98, Protein 85. Not bad for a free day!

Twelfth Week

Wednesday morning I got to the gym, which was lovely. Work was fine. Went out afterwards with a couple of friends, who obligingly told me how skinny I look. We went to the Border Cafe, which is Tex-Mex-Cajun, and although I had intended to get some kind of cheesy-guacamole burritochilada, the most appealing item on the menu was... grilled fish. It was really good, though! When I got home, G had gone to Whole Foods to 'get dishwasher detergent'- which really means he got the one $9 item I'd asked him to get, plus two different kinds of prepared beef, plus a family-size container of mac and cheese, plus two kinds of cookies. As a reward to myself for not going overboard when out to dinner, I had two Florentine cookies (my favorite in the whole world).

Calories 2010, Carbs 283, Fat 56, Protein 93.

Thursday was a really hard day- maybe the worst day I have had at this job, and definitely the worst I've felt since I've been watching my nutrition and not smoking. I had to leave my house at 7 to get to the Other Office, and although I'd packed some fruit, yogurt, cheese and leftover fish, I didn't have enough food to last me through the day. The fruit was yucky and I lost the cheese somewhere? Also, I had to stay until 7:30 at night, and by that time I was so hungry and stressed I was ready to hurt someone. I was in that low-blood-sugar haze where I didn't want any food from the vending machine, and I didn't want the pizza that had been ordered in, I wanted what I wanted right now goddamn it and give me a cigarette too.

When I finally got done with my day, I went straight to the Ninety Nine and ordered a burger and fries. I didn't want a drive-through burger, and I didn't want to eat in the car, and even though I didn't get home until 9:30, it was totally worth it. I relaxed with reasonable-quality food in front of the Sox game on a nice big TV and felt entirely better. And, I didn't smoke. I was sorely tempted to bum one from the IT help desk girl, but I didn't. Now that it's over, I can't help but think of it as a fucked-up victory- now I know that I can make it through a few hours of feeling unhappy and miserable. If that makes any sense.

Calories 1923, Carbs 204, Fat 80, Protein 93.

Friday morning I did the gym again- I didn't know what my workday would contain and I was actually scared that if I didn't work out, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I may have lost my mind at some point along this journey. It turns out that although my gym technically doesn't open until 6, if you arrive at 5:45 they will let you in. I cannot imagine ever wanting to know this information before this year.

Got in an abbreviated workout, then drove to work, showered, and went through the whole ordeal of fixing my hair. Was at my desk looking reasonably professional by 8. I am still having a hard time believing that I can do this. But I did. Fortunately, I got done with work at 5, so I could hit Idylwilde for some fresh vegetables on my way home.

I was craving tuna salad, so I made a big bowl of greens and veggies and topped it with a can of tuna + 2T light mayo. I am prejudiced against any food that is supposed to have a lot of fat in it that has been modified to have less fat in it, but it wasn't a bad texture, and tuna is pungent enough so that I couldn't taste the difference. It was very satisfying.

Calories 1367, Carbs 174, Fat 32, Protein 85. I didn't enter in the values for dinner until the next morning, and if I had done so, I would have eaten some cookies.

Eighth Weekend

Saturday morning I got up, ate a peanut butter sandwich, and went right to the gym. I started out with cardio, then did all my core exercises, then more cardio, then my upper body, then more cardio, then my lower body. I was there for almost two hours in all and it felt awesome. I think I'll be able to get in and out in one hour on weekdays, but I can tell that weekends are going to be intense since time isn't a factor. I also weighed myself at the gym- last time, remember, I'd gone up 0.4 pounds- and I was down 2.4. So, I've seen a net loss of exactly 13 pounds. This is very good- if I can stay on the pace of losing a pound a week, while building up muscle and getting toned all over, I will be at my goal weight by Labor Day.

Post-gym, I came home and made a big scramble with egg whites, the leftover potatoes, onions and mushrooms, and some leftover chard. I had exciting errands to run in the afternoon, and then G and I got takeout from our favorite neighborhood sandwich place. I got a garden salad, which I used to veg up a homemade turkey and swiss wrap, and ate the rest with my own dressing. I wanted to leave some calories in the budget because I had plans to go out that night.

At ten, I met some friends at a terrible Mexican restaurant to see a good band. I think I've mentioned how differently I've been looking at the business of food- as I was walking to the venue from the parking lot, I passed a window into the kitchen and saw a cook loading a dish of food into the microwave. On the very next window was a sign advertising 'Authentic Mexican Food'. Heh.

I didn't end up eating anything at the bar, and I didn't end up drinking anything because almost immediately after I arrived, I leaned over a candle and singed the ends of my hair. The smell was so bad that I ended up going home early to wash and re-dry and re-straighten that section of hair. Yuck!

Calories 1569 (not enough, not good!), Carbs 182, Fat 64, Protein 83.

Sunday we had plans to host some other friends for brunch, so I went out to Whole Foods for supplies. I had a bowl of Newman Flakes first to ward off the snackies. Our friends got a waffle maker for Christmas, and we have been talking about making waffles ever since, but this weekend was the first chance we had to get together. They brought the waffler and some multigrain mix, and I provided fruit salad, fat-free Greek yogurt, chicken breakfast sausage for me, and bacon for the men. Everything was delicious, but that waffle hit my belly like a brick and after they left, I couldn't resist a nap on the couch.

When I woke up, I had some leftover fruit salad and a string cheese. Dinner was my delightful lemon sole over brown rice and roasted vegetables- I used sweet Vidalia onions this time and it was even better. After dinner I still had some calories, and I wanted to use them after Saturday's huge deficit, so I had one of my tiny 100-calorie portions of chocolate.

Calories 1888, Carbs 229, Fat 54, Protein 112.

Seventh Weekend

I did clean the bathroom on Saturday, and went for my mani-pedi (My toes are Boris and Natasha, in case you were wondering about the answer to the polish question). I came home at 3 with all kinds of energy, but I'd already accomplished everything I wanted to do for the weekend, so I lazed around watching the tube. I didn't realize how hungry I'd be, from working out in the morning- last time I went to the gym on any kind of regular schedule (that would be 2001, to my regret) I had fierce cravings for the little chopped-and-reassembled teriyaki chicken nuggets from the supermarket salad bar. This time I made do with ratatouille, yogurt and rice, with a couple slices of turkey breast on the side.

Dinner was... more ratatouille, yogurt and rice. After dinner I still felt hungry- that kind of deep tissue-derived hunger that is not at all like the desire to snack. So I had an orange, a string cheese and a couple more slices of turkey.  Afterwards I felt very satisfied. Another lesson: do what your body tells you is right. I should count all these up so I will remember them, going forward.

Calories 1998, Carbs 257, Fat 72, Protein 98.

Sunday we slept in and I was lazy while G cleaned. Breakfast was coffee, Newman Flakes and an orange. At lunchtime, I couldn't really face another bowl of eggplant, so I made a sandwich with turkey, spinach and swiss on lavash. In the afternoon, I went over to my neighbors' to play Rock Band (awesome) while G ran errands and took a nap on the couch. Dinner was somewhat late, as I was thrown off by the time change- we had whole wheat pasta, turkey meatballs, and a jar of Sauces 'n Love pomodoro sauce enriched with (what else) ratatouille. I had half a serving of meringues for dessert as I was feeling snacky and had room for them in the day's nutrition. I had a hard time falling asleep, partially due to the time change, but also maybe because I had two cans of Diet Coke at the neighbors', and my delicate system is no longer used to the kilograms of caffeine I had been used to loading it up with.

Calories 1748, Carbs 239, Fat 53, Protein 103.

Sixth Weekend (Days 37 and 38)

Saturday I slept really late- until almost 2!- and we had plans to meet friends for someone else's birthday dinner. I had a honkload of coffee and some fruit for breakfast, knowing that I would be eating cake that night. The party was at a Moroccan restaurant, and they have live Middle Eastern music and bellydancing on weekends, so I was excited. I ordered something called Chicken Tangiers, which was essentially chicken Marsala with dried figs and apricots in it. The food and the conversation were awesome- until the birthday girl's bratty little brother decided to order a hookah and stuff some weed into it. The first thing that happened was that we all looked at one another like "do you smell that? Does that smell like... weed to you?" The next thing that happened was the manager coming over to the table and insisting that we all get out. At this point, four diners hadn't even gotten their entrees, and we had ordered what turned out to be almost $600 worth of food and booze, so a compromise was negotiated where the bratty brother got the boot and the rest of us were left alone to eat cake. I think the belly dancer disapproved of the shenanigans because we didn't see her again all night.

Calories 1641, Carbs 159, Fat 68, Protein 99.

Sunday was a day of chores and Netflix at home. I went to the regular supermarket to restock on seltzer, Ziploc bags and toilet paper. I don't buy very much food there anymore, because their produce isn't as pretty as Idylwilde, and I don't have the same confidence in their packaged goods as I do in Whole Foods's. Lunch was leftover turkey patties and vegetables; dinner was my favorite pan-fried tofu with a bok choy stir-fry and udon.

The best thing that happened on Sunday was that, encouraged by my recent documented weight loss, I thought I'd dig out my engagement ring and see whether it fit again. I had to stop wearing it a few months after our wedding, because that was the summer that I broke my foot and piled on 20 pounds. It's a little bit tight on my right hand, but I am so thrilled to be able to wear it again, I don't even care.

Calories 1534, Carbs 138, Fat 73, Protein 87.