Gabbagoolia: I Can Not Has Cheezburger

Tenth Weekend and some News

Something important happened on Friday that I haven't mentioned yet. While I was stuck in traffic, with lots of time to think, I found myself smoking almost constantly. I wasn't enjoying it, but I was bored. After 6 cigarettes in the first couple of hours, I started thinking about how much I hated having to do it, and how it was interfering with my gym goals and how much I wanted to stop. So before I got to work (hey, what's the difference between 3 hours late and 3 1/2 hours late?) I drove to CVS and bought some nicotine patches.

I've been wearing one for over 50 hours now and I have not smoked. Not once. I've wanted to, but I haven't, and I've found that if I acknowledge the craving and then put it out of my mind, hours will go by before I remember that I wanted it in the first place.

I'm really shy about talking about it, still, because it's so new and I don't want to be all "I'm a non-smoker WOOOOO GO ME!" and then fail. But I have decided to try, and in trying, found that it is in fact possible. That feeling is sort of familiar.

So: I have a patch on my belly and I'm chewing on a licorice twig. Not a Twizzler, but an actual stick. The theory behind it is that since licorice is used as a flavoring agent in smokes, sometimes replacing the taste will soothe the craving. I like them a lot, although I am constantly spitting out splinters. Attractive! I also threw away my last pack of smokes and put my lighter away, so if the urge strikes me while I am out and about or driving, it will be harder to act on it than to fight it.

Saturday morning, I went to the gym and did all my exercises thoroughly. I couldn't see any improvement in my breathing or stamina, but I didn't expect it after only 24 hours. But as I went through my stations I thought about how I would see it, and how it would help me get to where I'm trying to go. After the gym, I felt awesome. Came home, showered, ate a nice big turkey sandwich, and dried and straightened my hair. Then I was hit with the familiar Saturday afternoon let-down, where I'd done all the things I intended to do before 3 PM and didn't know what to do with myself for the rest of the day. I ended up on the couch watching a Hell's Kitchen marathon and not going outside. No smoke breaks = not leaving the house. I did a couple of Comcast yoga programs when I felt itchy and restless and those definitely helped. I might get myself a yoga mat as a weekly reward because I couldn't do some of the situp exercises- our living room floor is berber carpet over concrete and I'd like to keep all my vertebrae, thanks.

Dinner was baked chicken, roasted potatoes and broccoli. After dinner I still wanted to put stuff in my mouth so I had an apple and went to bed early.

Calories 1883, Carbs 221, Fat 57, Protein 131.

On Sunday it was apparent that I would have to go to the grocery store. I won't lie, I was apprehensive about leaving the house and driving in the car because for 10+ years, my routine has been: buckle seat belt, fire up smoke. I brought water, gum and sticks with me to help with the trip to Trader Joe's. Somehow I think my iPod knew that I was struggling because it shuffled up Big Star's "Ballad of El Goodo" which I found hugely motivational. So, I went to the store! And back!

Breakfast was Newman Flakes and yogurt, and after my shopping adventure I returned to the couch to watch more Hell's Kitchen. In one of the last challenges, one of the chefs made crab cakes and the other made fettuccine alfredo, so I made some of each. I measured out exactly one serving of fettuccine and enjoyed it thoroughly. G was out at a rock show with his brother, so I just made soup and a sandwich for dinner; I am getting pretty tired of turkey and I miss tuna salad and bacon!

Calories 1693, Carbs 224, Fat 52, Protein 94.

Days 68, 69 and 70

Wednesday I finally felt normal again. Breakfast was oatmeal, snack was applesauce and pretzels, lunch was my last Tasty Bite (in my second round with the bug, as in my first, I didn't do much shopping). For dinner I had leftover eggplant parm. After logging my calories, I was way under, so I had some more chocolate.

Calories 1210, Carbs 176, Fat 43, Protein 39. More available snacks at work would have made the day better.

Thursday morning I got up crazy early and went to the gym. I had a glass of juice first, and resolved again to go to the supermarket. My workout felt great and I was actually at my desk, showered, by 9. Post-gym breakfast was Newman Flakes with fat-free plain Stonyfield. At lunch, I ate in the Workplace cafeteria for the first time this year so that I could have a little time with my old boss. I had a turkey wrap. Then I had to go to the Other Office, and I didn't finish there until after 5. I was hungry enough to harm someone so I stopped at McDonald's on the way to do errands. I knew I had to go to the grocery store but feared what I might buy if I went there hungry. I bought five fabric bags full of groceries- now we are stocked for the weekend.

Real dinner was another recipe from Eating Well, with some more mods. I made a Thai green curry with chicken breast, mushrooms and peapods, with brown rice. I also sprinkled some chopped bell pepper and scallions on top, and it was delicious.

Calories 1719, Carbs 229, Fat 58, Protein 121.

Friday morning was super-frustrating. There was a semi flipped on its side on the main road I take to get to work; what is normally a 45-minute drive took FOUR HOURS. I had plenty of time to eat two apples, but by the time I got to work (at 12:15!) I was ravenous. Stuffed in a can of Macaroni & Bean and some pretzels- I was still chewing when I headed into a 1 PM meeting that lasted the next two hours. It's such a glamorous life.

Post-meeting, I had some edamame. Before I got on the highway, I stopped at Starbucks and got a venti nonfat latte- very unusual for me, but I felt I deserved a treat. My calorie count is off somewhat because of it- Spark says it has 210 calories, but the Starbucks website says 170, so that's what I'm using here.

Dinner was a repeat of the awesome peanut-orange tofu with green beans over rice noodles, and dessert was a couple of Scharffen Berger milk chocolate tasting squares.

Calories 1725, Carbs 222, Fat 65, Protein 85.

Days 66 and 67

Monday I was feeling a little better; well enough to search out some interesting recipes from Eating Well magazine, to which I just subscribed, and hit Idylwilde for the necessaries. Breakfast was pretzels, lunch was chicken noodle soup and crackers. Dinner was Orange Roasted Tofu, with a couple of mods:

Orange Miso Peanut Roasted Tofu and Asparagus Green Beans

Cut up a block of tofu and pat dry. Marinate for a few minutes in a mixture of balsamic vinegar and a little olive oil. Arrange on a cookie sheet and bake at 450 for 15 minutes. Mix up some peanut sauce as follows: 2 T balsamic, 2 t oil, 2 T peanut butter, I cube frozen garlic, 1/4 cup orange juice, and the zest from 1 orange. Clean some green beans. When the tofu is done, add the green beans to the cookie sheet and gently toss. Return to oven for 6 minutes or until the green beans are as soft as you'd like. Remove from oven and top with the peanut sauce and a couple tablespoons of chopped fresh basil. Serve over rice.

The recipe really called for 2 T of miso, but I didn't want to buy a whole thing and then have it in the fridge forever, so I subbed out peanut butter. After dinner I ate the orange that I'd zested, along with the last of the meringues, because I was way under for calories and carbs.

Calories 1307, Carbs 234, Fat 46, Protein 62.

Tuesday I managed to make it to the gym first thing in the morning, as I'd planned. I didn't do a full workout, but I got in 20 minutes of cardio and hit most of the 'basic' exercises my trainer had given me to begin. I didn't have an hour to spend, and I knew I wasn't up to an hour's worth of work, but I also didn't want to lose any of the gains I've made in strength and stamina by staying away for a whole week. Also, when I weighed myself, I was down another pound from Friday at the doctor's office.

Pre-gym, I had a glass of OJ (as we are direly low on staples and I couldn't face another Clif bar). Breakfast was a couple cups of applesauce. Mid-morning snack was leftover peanut tofu and rice, late-afternoon snack was leftover channa, rice and raita. Knowing I was out of leftovers, I'd planned to make a big pan of eggplant parm, again from Eating Well. I added more part-skim mozzarella, as their recipe used only 1/3 cup (for two layers, in a 9 x 12 pan? I don't think so). By the time it was ready, I was ready-to-eat-my-own-foot ravenous, so I chowed down two servings.

Calories 1969, Carbs 348, Fat 79, Protein 95.

Ninth Weekend

Urgh. This weekend was something of a low point for healthy eating. I was not feeling well enough to shop of cook, so here are the ugly details.

Saturday: Breakfast was leftover pizza and an apple. Lunch was endless pots of Gypsy Cold Care tea. Dinner was yellow mac & cheese from a box, spooned down my gullet from a bowl held directly under my chin, in front of the TV.

Calories 1223, Carbs 201, Fat 28, Protein 49. Not enough of anything.

Sunday: Breakfast was lots of coffee. Lunch was leftovers from G's mom's Easter dinner- smoked ham, beet salad (yay, beets!) and potato salad. Late afternoon snack was a glass of OJ and a premade chicken cordon bleu from the back of the freezer,  which I did not enjoy. Dinner was more Indian takeout: channa, rice, raita and garlic naan.

Calories 2126, Carbs 338, Fat 81, Protein 91. A little too much of everything, but I figure it makes up for hardly eating on Saturday.

Days 62 and 63

Thursday morning I woke up snotty and had a glass of juice. Went to work feeling horrible, ate some oatmeal and some Chickarina, and left shortly after lunch. Took a nap, got up feeling horrible, had leftover Indian food, drank some tea, felt horrible, went to bed.

Calories 1620, Carbs 339 (over my target, mostly honey), Fat 35, Protein 47.

Friday I still felt bad, and I started reconsidering my natural inclination not to go to the doctor. I'm in a sort of health insurance limbo right now- we're on G's health insurance, and his company was recently acquired, so we will be on a new plan starting April 1st. I didn't want to go to a doctor and hear that we were no longer covered by our old insurance and not yet covered by our new plan, but by 11 AM I was ready to bite the bullet. An hour and a half worth of phone calls later, I had an appointment at an office five miles from my workplace. The doctor agreed with me that if I was still sick with my original malaise, it probably wasn't a virus that would go away on its own and prescribed some antibiotics.

The best part about my visit is that they weighed me, and I am officially down 15 pounds since starting to track my diet and exercise. I can't help wondering whether my illness has had an effect on my weight loss (it's certainly had an effect on my eating- I am living on soup and tea) but like last time, I'm concentrating on just getting well. I'll concentrate on diet and exercise when I have the ability to do so. Still, when I started doing this in mid-January, my initial goal was 20 pounds by the end of July. Go, sickly me!

I got back to the office around 3 and realized that I had not eaten anything that day. Like, nothing- I had milk in my first cup of coffee, but that was all my daily calories. I wasn't hungry, and didn't feel like eating, but I poured some tomato soup down my gullet and called it a day.

For dinner, I had a pizza delivered. It is really amazing how much work I need to do in order to eat the right things- it's simply not possible to order the kind of food that I've been making for myself and G for the last two months. But the rewards are so good that I have barely noticed. I have been planning and shopping and cooking with so much love that eating poor-quality takeout feels like a sad compromise. Which, I think, is the way that it should be.

Calories 1472, Carbs 208, Fat 46, Protein 61.

Day 62- Sick again?

I woke up Wednesday morning with puffy eyes, a stuffy head, and a leaky nose. It seems incredibly unfair that I'm eating better than ever, and exercising, and I've had two colds in two months. How can that beeeeeee?

I had a glass of OJ for pre-breakfast and skipped milk in my coffee. Went to work, ate oatmeal, pretended to be busy until lunchtime. Lunch was a can of Chickarina with the gross fat globs skimmed out; I've customized my entry on Spark to have 3 grams of fat instead of 5, because I always remove it before heating the soup. That's valid, right? I gutted out the day until around 2, when I started feeling the coated tongue and mushy brain that tells me I have a slight fever, and then I went home. At home I had a sandwich (turkey & muenster) and a nice long nap.

For dinner we ordered Indian takeout because I was obviously not cooking- I Googled around and think I did pretty well with my choices (kabuli channa, extra spicy; raita; two veggie pakora; half a garlic naan; no cream sauces or nuts). I was able to stay within my calories for the day, and since a pint of Indian food is really four servings, I have plenty of leftovers for later.

Calories 1910, Carbs 315, Fat 63, Protein 71.

Day 61

I overslept a little bit on Tuesday morning, so I grabbed a Clif bar for breakfast before going to the gym. I've been trying to avoid eating the processed and the packaged, but I didn't have time to make and eat a sandwich. The gym was really good; I am so impressed with how much more I can do, and how much easier everything is. And it's only been a couple of weeks! Go, self.

Post-gym breakfast was oatmeal and leftover fruit, lunch was leftover taco fixings, afternoon snack was even yet still more fruit and string cheese. Dinner was grilled-cheese-tomato-bacon sandwiches and homemade butternut squash soup. I also put together a quick salad of romaine, cucumber, tomato and carrot and squeezed a lemon over the top for dressing. I must admit I am hitting a wall with salad- I ate the whole plate, and appreciated its goodness, but it was really mechanical. Scoop salad into mouth, chew chew chew, swallow, repeat until plate is clean. I'm not really enjoying salad these days, is what I think I'm getting at.

Calories 1773, Carbs 235, Fat 63, Protein 83.

Day 60

Overslept a little, but not too badly, considering how much trouble I usually have on Monday mornings. Breakfast was some instant oatmeal I got at Whole Foods, and an orange I'd left on my desk Friday. Midmorning snack was cheese and crackers, lunch was leftover fish and vegetables in yummy sauce, late afternoon snack was leftover fruit salad and yogurt.

I did a quick Idylwilde run after work, then did two loads of laundry and made tacos. I stayed up somewhat later than I would have liked, because the Celtics game was super-exciting, and still felt hungry, so I had an apple. This pushed me right up against my daily calorie limit, but I knew I was going to the gym on Tuesday morning. In happier shopping news, I ordered a properly-sized sports bra online- not cheap, and more closely resembling some Victorian corset nightmare than a cute racerback Lycra thing, but I am a firm believer in having the right tools to do the job.

Calories 2024, Carbs 277, Fat 60, Protein 108.

Eighth Weekend

Saturday morning I got up, ate a peanut butter sandwich, and went right to the gym. I started out with cardio, then did all my core exercises, then more cardio, then my upper body, then more cardio, then my lower body. I was there for almost two hours in all and it felt awesome. I think I'll be able to get in and out in one hour on weekdays, but I can tell that weekends are going to be intense since time isn't a factor. I also weighed myself at the gym- last time, remember, I'd gone up 0.4 pounds- and I was down 2.4. So, I've seen a net loss of exactly 13 pounds. This is very good- if I can stay on the pace of losing a pound a week, while building up muscle and getting toned all over, I will be at my goal weight by Labor Day.

Post-gym, I came home and made a big scramble with egg whites, the leftover potatoes, onions and mushrooms, and some leftover chard. I had exciting errands to run in the afternoon, and then G and I got takeout from our favorite neighborhood sandwich place. I got a garden salad, which I used to veg up a homemade turkey and swiss wrap, and ate the rest with my own dressing. I wanted to leave some calories in the budget because I had plans to go out that night.

At ten, I met some friends at a terrible Mexican restaurant to see a good band. I think I've mentioned how differently I've been looking at the business of food- as I was walking to the venue from the parking lot, I passed a window into the kitchen and saw a cook loading a dish of food into the microwave. On the very next window was a sign advertising 'Authentic Mexican Food'. Heh.

I didn't end up eating anything at the bar, and I didn't end up drinking anything because almost immediately after I arrived, I leaned over a candle and singed the ends of my hair. The smell was so bad that I ended up going home early to wash and re-dry and re-straighten that section of hair. Yuck!

Calories 1569 (not enough, not good!), Carbs 182, Fat 64, Protein 83.

Sunday we had plans to host some other friends for brunch, so I went out to Whole Foods for supplies. I had a bowl of Newman Flakes first to ward off the snackies. Our friends got a waffle maker for Christmas, and we have been talking about making waffles ever since, but this weekend was the first chance we had to get together. They brought the waffler and some multigrain mix, and I provided fruit salad, fat-free Greek yogurt, chicken breakfast sausage for me, and bacon for the men. Everything was delicious, but that waffle hit my belly like a brick and after they left, I couldn't resist a nap on the couch.

When I woke up, I had some leftover fruit salad and a string cheese. Dinner was my delightful lemon sole over brown rice and roasted vegetables- I used sweet Vidalia onions this time and it was even better. After dinner I still had some calories, and I wanted to use them after Saturday's huge deficit, so I had one of my tiny 100-calorie portions of chocolate.

Calories 1888, Carbs 229, Fat 54, Protein 112.

Day 57

Friday morning I had trouble getting out of bed, and I blame sugar. I poked G until he got up to make the coffee, which meant I slept in until 8:30. Rolled into work at 10, having missed the CEO's mandatory all-company quarterly meeting, oops.

Breakfast was two small apples and some oatmeal. Lunch was a can of Chickarina and some pretzels. In the late afternoon, I had a big snack, because I had plans to eat a special dinner with G to celebrate Friday night: string cheese and crackers, some turkey breast, and a plain Stonyfield yogurt. I also knew I would need strength for my next task: attempting to walk into a store and buy a new sports bra.

I can never remember a time when I enjoyed clothes shopping. Even when I was at my thinnest, standard sizes don't fit me well- I need larger clothes that are not plus-size. Pluses tend to be cut bigger in the waist, and that is never my problem. If my shoulders and hips fit into something, the waist is enormous. I realize now that the solution is to bring everything to a tailor, but for the last three or four years, I've given up. Every day, I put on jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie (sweatshirt in summer, sweater in winter) and call it good.  I've pretty much solved the jeans problem: Old Navy Women's 18+ fit pretty well. Tops are another story. The last two tops-shopping trips that I can remember have ended with me running out of a mall to cry hysterically in my car, having found nothing remotely suitable. In sum, I fucking hate shopping. But, I only own one sports bra, purchased in 2000 (?) and not doing the job at all.

So: Lane Bryant, where I buy most of my bras, no longer carries sports bras. Nordstrom had one with an underwire and one without, which I tried on, with hilarious results. Lululemon had nothing even plausible. Then I figured I'd look at less high-end stores- Sears had nothing. I finally ended up at JC Penney's, where they had one bra that was two sizes too small, rather than six, so I got it. It is painfully obvious that I'll need to order bras online if I want them to fit correctly, but I'm hoping this one will tide me over until I can get one shipped.

Then I drove home and made dinner- steak, roasted potatoes with rosemary and sea salt, sauteed onions and mushrooms, eggplant with garlic and lemon, and a quick salad of cucumber, shredded carrots and grape tomatoes. And I skipped dessert.

Calories 1821, Carbs 228, Fat 54, Protein 107, hissy fits 0.