Gabbagoolia: I Can Not Has Cheezburger

Working hard? Hardly working?

It's times like right now that I wish I had a personal trainer. I've been perservering with the Gym Junkies workouts (except that I mis-read the schedule and took an unscheduled Day Off, oops) but I'm feeling achy and tired and unmotivated. I think I bruised my heel in some way, because it hurts to run- it even hurts to walk after I've aggravated it. I also have some kind of ouchie just to the left of my spine, between my shoulder blades- I can't have pulled something way in there, can I? In any case, I've taken to writhing around on a tennis ball on the floor to attempt to massage that unreachable spot. G thinks that looks sexy. Husbands.

I'm still eating well, and I'm still dropping weight, but I'm frustrated anyway. I want someone outside of my own head to come up with a plan for me, with a beginning, middle and end. Do X, eat Y, stop when you get to Z. Correct your form on A, B and C. Treat injury D in such a way. And although I hate to admit it, I do take my inability to click with a trainer somewhat personally. The last guy I was seeing gave me a workout routine that I did not find challenging, so I emailed him with specific questions and feedback, and... never heard from him again. I thought we had a business relationship where he provided a service to me, and then when I told him that his service was not what I wanted and gave him an opportunity to fix it, he disappeared. It's not like we went on a bad date, dude!

So I don't know what to do. Today is an 'easy' day, I'll hit the elliptical because it doesn't aggravate my weird heel issue and try to come back stronger tomorrow.

Ow.

This month, I've decided to participate in the Gym Junkies 31 Day Shredded for Summer Challenge, sort of. I'm entirely committed to following the Fat Loss Gym Workout for Beginners, because I'm familiar with most of the exercises to be performed but could be a lot better at them. I have some reservations about the recommended diet (namely, that it does not provide enough calories for this level of exertion, and I am not convinced that grains should be limited to post-workout meals only) so I'm going to eat like I always do. I'm not interested in losing lots of weight fast through a routine that is unsustainable- I am working on slow, steady body composition change.

Wow, got off on a tangent there. I started writing this entry so that I could complain! Onwards.

The general plan of the workouts is one day prescribed workout, one day independent workout, one day off. The Day 1 prescription kicked my ass pretty hard. On Day 2, for my independent workout, I put my husband through the Day 1 (although, ahem, I was showing him how to do the exercises with an empty bar) and then did some high-intensity intervals on the elliptical. It was hard to rest on Day 3 because it was Sunday, when I am accustomed to doing a long slow distance run, but I managed to sit on my ass watching movies and eating pizza with my besties. I suffer so.

Yesterday was Day 4: burpees! The regimen called for four sets of 20, but I finished those in about 20 minutes and still had something left in the tank, so I did five. I also thought it might be fun to add a pushup in the middle (between the squat thrust part and the jump-in-the-air part). I am regretting that decision today, ow. Ow.

Tonight I was supposed to play softball, but our game was rained out, so I think it's the treadmill for me. Funny how that now qualifies as an 'easy day'.

Marathon Monday, long-ass post

I also did not run the Boston Marathon!

But I ran a third of it.

Well, not really. I ran one-third the distance of a marathon, on a treadmill at my climate-controlled gym, with my Walkman on and two cup holders for my water and my Haterade*.

I only started running in December, in an attempt to spice up my cardio. Before that, the last time I ran a mile was 7th grade gym class, in Helena, Montana. I was an awkward, chubby new kid with serious family problems and not one friend. I was insulted and pushed around by the teachers as well as the students, and I cried every single day after school. The worst day, of course, was the day we had to run a mile in gym class. I don't remember much about that six-month period, so I can't tell you whether we had been training to run the mile or if it was just expected of us, but I couldn't do it. I fell far behind my classmates, the gym teacher yelled at me, I was the last to finish by a good ten minutes, I was picked on when I finally got to the locker room, I was late to my next class and got yelled at by that teacher too. And I probably shook my fist at the sky and vowed teenagedly never to run another step, and that worked fine for the next twenty years.

But in December, bored faceless by the elliptical trainer and not enjoying the bike, I decided that I would climb up on the treadmill and run for one entire mile without stopping. I started out walking at about 3 mph, and then gradually sped up to a light jog at about 5 mph. That first mile, I stared at the distance display the whole time and thought to myself: You've gone a tenth of a mile! You've gone two-tenths! You've gone a quarter of a mile! That's all the way around one of those horrible tracks! Keep going! Half a mile! Halfway done! Three-quarters! You can do this! 0.95! Just a few minutes left! until the display read 1.00 and I was done. It wasn't even that difficult once I had committed to it- I was in pretty great cardio shape and was used to much longer sessions on the elliptical. So I decided I'd go back later that week and run TWO miles.

Over the last few months, I've gradually increased my pace, distance and incline on the treadmill, and now that the weather's nicer I've been running at a local high school track. No, really! On purpose! I know the next step is to find a suitable race, but I don't want to do a 5K (not far enough) and there hasn't been anything longer at a convenient place and time. So I thought that I would challenge myself on Marathon Monday- I'd never run more than an hour in a row before- and I did that. 8.75 miles, averaging 6 mph, without stopping once. Hell yeah.

*Sometimes I like to minimize my seriousness, when I am talking about my weight loss and overall lifestyle changes to someone who doesn't share my love of sweat and vegetables, by explaining that I have lost my mind. This isn't true, because I think I am way less crazy than I used to be (after all, I used to smoke!) but I feel like if I exaggerate, it will make the person I am talking to feel less like I am judging them. And then sometimes I think I really have lost my mind.

Example: I know the body can only store a few hundred calories as glycogen, and once that's burned up, the body starts to metabolize lean tissue (rather than fat as I would prefer it to do). For a few days I was racking my brain- how to get sugar into my body while exercising? I'll eat extra well for a few days beforehand, and have a delicious peanut butter sandwich before I start, but how do athletes manage? And then I remembered- duh, Gatorade exists. Some people actually drink fluids that contain calories, to help their body stay energized during long workouts. I had completely forgotten the existence of sports drinks.

Then, the day before my 'race', I went to the supermarket and stood paralyzed in the sports drink aisle for at least five full minutes, reading labels and shaking my head. I couldn't pick one of the brightly colored bottles with names like "fierce" and "extreme". The morning of, I was chatting with my friend Amanda (who is by trade a health teacher) and she reminded me that I could make my own Gatorade by watering down some juice and adding salt. Duh, again. In the very back of the cabinet, I found a bottle of iced tea mix (because I don't even usually stock juice- I eat plenty of fruit) and added half a teaspoon of Maldon sea salt. Voila: Haterade.

Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years

(blows dust off blog)

Hi there! I have not been writing anywhere at all, for a while, but that doesn't mean I have quit the lifestyle. I'm still eating well, targeting 1800- 2300 calories per day, depending on my workout schedule. I'm in the gym at least four days a week, sometimes six, doing strength training and high-intensity interval cardio. I've started running, and to my great surprise, loving it, and am looking around for a suitable race. I even signed up for my company's softball team, in order to confront several things that scare me (joining a team, competing in a sport, making a damn fool out of myself in public) at once.

I admit that I am writing this entry because I want to confess something:

Those of you who are totally crazy will recognize that image as the "I Did The Hundred Push Ups Challenge" badge. I did not complete the challenge. Here is what happened: I did the exercises as scheduled, or as close as I could get, for six weeks. At the end, I could only complete 65 pushups in a row. I thought long and hard about repeating Week 6 until I could do the full hundred, complete with lists of pros and cons.

Pros:

• I can tell people I can do a hundred pushups!
• I can put a badge on my weblog!

Cons:

• OMG I am so tired of pushups
• The schedule is interfering with my upper-body workouts, because after working to failure I can't do flies, presses or dips, or even raise my arms above my waist
• The schedule is interfering with my lower-body workouts, because I can't squat with dumbbells, or deadlift a bar, because that would require holding something with my arms
• The schedule is interfering with my diet because I am having a hard time cooking without the use of my arms
• The schedule is interfering with my social life because I can't brush my teeth, because of my sad limp arms

Et cetera. So I quit. And I feel OK about that. Especially now that I have confessed it. Maybe some day I will revisit the challenge, but for now, I think 65 is enough.

I am a motivated body!

Hello everyone! I am so thrilled to announce that I'll be writing for Bodies in Motivation, a new website about diet, fitness and other healthy pursuits. If you've arrived here from there, welcome, and feel free to look around.

If you'd like to know even more about what I eat every day, my food and exercise logs are public on Sparkpeople (username: BATHOLMES) and I post pictures relatively frequently on Flickr. Thanks for reading.

An Occasion to Celebrate

This morning I got on the scale and it has happened: I am 0.2 pounds under my original goal. I have now lost 45 pounds in 32 weeks (results not typical). Hurray!

I'd like to thank vegetables most of all: chard, broccoli slaw, prewashed baby spinach, I couldn't have done it without you. And free weights- you've changed my life. Cardio, well, we've had our ups and downs, but I appreciate all you've done for me.

I'd also like to thank five o'clock in the morning, the annoying song my alarm clock plays, and coffee. I'd like to give a special shout-out to the makers of BOSU, New Balance sneakers, Polar water and the ever-present iPod. Much appreciation to the cuisines of the Middle East, Asia and Mexico- I love you all!

To my friends, who have been super supportive, and to my friends who have said rude things- you've all helped me in your own ways. Most of all, I'd like to thank my husband, for eating vegetables without complaint, accepting the fact that there would no longer be dessert in the house, and washing more Tupperware than he possibly could have imagined. Thanks, baby, for your constant support and ogling of my body. I love you the most of all.

Hiatus, return

So, hi! I was really busy planning that party, which went well but I have no pictures of the food, then I went to Oregon, then I went to DC. Now I am home and settled back into my usual routine:  buy vegetables, cook vegetables, eat vegetables, go lift weights.

Here's what's different: I am on the right side of 200 pounds for the first time in eight or nine years. I'm within five pounds of my original goal, but somehow I don't feel like I'm done, so I'm setting a new goal of 65 pounds. When I get there I'll re-evaluate. What I thought was that when you get close to the weight your body wants to be, it gets harder to lose much more without taking drastic measures. And I have not been especially rigorous lately- I have been eating lots of food, more than my recommended calories two or three days a week, and I just keep shrinking. So far so good.

The major difference that I see is that this is what my life is like now. I'm not on a diet, I just don't eat junk food. I'm not trying to lose weight, I just love to go to the gym all the time. This is not temporary, and I'm not thinking of it as such. When I want to quit losing weight, I'll probably cut back on the cardio and maybe have fries once in a while, but I want to keep feeling as energized and strong as I do every day. And smoking, wow. I'm so glad that's over! I see people smoking now and I feel so sorry for them. I remember quite clearly the lies that I used to tell myself every hour of every day, and how I was willing to believe anything but the truth: every single one was hurting me gravely. So far I've been able to restrain myself from overtly pitying my husband, who still smokes, but I think he's thinking about it (which really is all I can ask for).

I don't know how good I am going to be about updates, but how about you go look at my Flickr, where I post pictures of food: http://flickr.com/photos/batholmes/sets/72157602786801545/

The Bluefish of Sadness

I know I ended my previous entry somewhat abruptly, but I think I won't go back and edit it, as it is a perfect representation of what my life is like right now. In addition to working, following two sports and doing everything I have to do to stay on track with diet and exercise, I'm organizing a big graduation party for three of my friends at the end of the month. My to-do list is like a damn novel right now and I am feeling completely overwhelmed. As a result of worrying more, I've been sleeping less, and last night I had a tiny little meltdown.

After work, I had my usual errands to run, finishing up at Whole Foods. I didn't have a plan for dinner, so I thought I'd ask the seafood guys for a recommendation. One of them gave me absolutely excellent customer service- he recommended the bluefish, told me how to cook it and skinned it for me. I had told him that I was looking for a light-tasting fish, not something oily like salmon or swordfish, and pointed out that the bluefish looked pretty dark and oily. He promised me I'd love it.

I got home around 6:30, put the groceries away and started cooking. I wanted to roast the asparagus and tomatoes in the oven before G got home, because we haven't started up our AC yet and the oven makes the house so very hot. While those were going, I threw in three loads of laundry. After the vegetables came out, perfectly cooked, I ran into the bathroom to shave my legs, because I couldn't stand the thought of another day in long pants. Did I mention we're having a filthy heat wave?

When G got home I started cooking the fish. I sauteed sweet onions in butter, added fresh thyme and stock, and simmered until the liquid had reduced by half. Then I added the fish fillets and gently poached them until they were opaque. I removed the fish, discarded the thyme sprigs, and added some baby spinach. When the spinach was wilted, I tasted the pan sauce to adjust the seasonings, and then I started to cry.

It was disgusting. The oily, fishy taste of bluefish was all through the pan sauce and vegetables. I had put so much love and care into the preparation of dinner- it was after 8:00 by this point- and it was completely inedible. I had done everything I could do to make dinner a success, and because the Whole Foods seafood department wanted to unload some disgusting fillets, dinner was ruined. All I could do was cry, to vent my frustration. I didn't have a backup protein available and I didn't have the energy to go buy and cook something else. G was terrified. He didn't know what do say or do.

So we threw out the fish and the pan sauce and made sandwiches instead. G cleaned the kitchen and took out the trash to remove all traces of the Bluefish of Sadness. And I did some thinking- the reason I drive myself so crazy is that I want everything to be perfect and I don't like to delegate. I feel uncomfortable asking other people to do things for me because I want them done to my own standards, which are, admittedly, high. I feel like I can accomplish everything myself- errands, laundry, dinner, party planning- if I just work hard enough, so when I do everything right and it doesn't work out, I feel betrayed by the world. I cried for twenty minutes over a stupid $8 fish fillet.

There's a lesson in here somewhere, about letting things go and asking for help, and then accepting that help as a gesture of people's goodwill, whether the results are pleasing or not, but it is not an easy one to take in. Today, I reject that idea. And I am going to Whole Foods later on to give the fish department a piece of my mind.

Twenty-first week, and an anniversary

This weekend was my fourth wedding anniversary. My husband and I have now been together for nine years- we got married on the fifth anniversary of our first date (really the first time we hung out, it was not actually a date date). We had dinner at Summer Winter, and I'll just pause to allow you to check out their menu.

On Friday I had my usual sensible breakfast and lunch, and gave myself 'permission' to order whatever I felt like having when we got to the restaurant. And man, did I chow. We started with the yam fries with garlic aioli, a cheese plate, and a salad of leeks and baby greens with tarragon vinaigette. I think the greens might have been the best single thing I ate- they were so tiny and airy, it was like a mouthful of crunchy, savory freshness. Perfectly seasonal.

For my entree, I had the Kobe beef burger- more later.

Nineteenth Week, already over. Twentieth week, underway.

I didn't get around to posting all week because I was so busy doing other things. Most excitingly, I bought a camera. I've wanted one for a long time, but now that I am spending so much time thinking and talking about food that it might save me a few thousand words to be able to photograph it:













Without you I am nothing.

I made some 'egg muffins' over the weekend. The recipe is from one of the South Beach Diet cookbooks, but I got my info from Kalyn's Kitchen, as linked by one of the MATHletes.

Ingredients:













Cooking up the filling:













Finished product:













I also put together some tofu-tuna salad for lunches:













So I should have breakfast and lunch taken care of for most of the week.

I'm also glad to be able to take photos of myself. For a long time, I didn't like to look at my own pictures because I had an image of myself in my head that no longer resembled what I'd see in them. This weekend I weighed in at exactly 25 pounds down from when I started this whole thing, and I look like I think I look again. If that makes sense.

Here I am in my bathroom mirror, with a quarter balanced on my neck to show you how wide my shoulders actually are:













Hey, that looks like me!